Just gonna keep moving forward....holding my head up high...

I haven't blogged in quite a while....nothing too new or exciting here to blog about. I was hoping my next blog would be a little bit more cheerier but not sure if I can give you that quite yet....I had a 2 week "vacation" from my former  new chemo that I was on. I needed a break from everything...the break from the chemo gave me a physical break but mentally, I have been a complete wreck these past 2 weeks. After my last Dr. Appointment, I pretty much sunk into a confused and deep depression. All I wanted to do was sleep and lay in bed pretty much all day. I felt like I had no control anymore and felt completely overwhelmed and powerless. At times it was really bad, I wouldn't shower all day and just lay in bed all day and night. My Husband expressed his concern but I would just either lash out by crying or screaming at him. He understood at first but then one person can only take so much and he also started getting distant from me.I tend to really push people away when I get depressed and I have to admit...I have had some depressed episodes but this has been one of the worst I have had in a while. It was admittedly a bit scary for me to feel that out of control of my emotions. I guess I just kind of lost it when I had this plan in my head that I really felt like could work but then "BAM" with my last appointment I realized that the reality was that I can't do the "plan" I had quite like I had dreamed up in my head and it really crushed me. I originally wanted to stay on the lowest dose of the chemo...which I myself secretly went on a very low dose of only 40mg without consulting any Drs...and yes, I know this is a big no, no. But I was scared of this drug for some reason. I was tired of being tired and not feeling well so I did what I thought would work. Well honestly in the long run my plan probably would not have worked like I had hoped for. I would not have been "cured" by just doing juicing and healthier things and taking a ton of special supplements. I am not saying that I am still not going to Juice and live a healthier life but I need to come to the realization that unless God wants me to be fully healed someday...that this cancer is not going away and I thought I accepted that....but turns out I didn't and still fully don't because I do hate it so very, very much. I still have much hope that if God wants to heal me some day that He will and I trust fully in Him...but I am human and get moments of sorrow and pain and just want to give up. I know that if God doesn't heal me that is okay....whatever he uses me for on this Earth, I know will be a wonderful thing and I know he has a plan for everything. I just need to always remember that, but some days are harder then others.

So to keep you all up to speed on things....I am slowly fighting this depression and starting to get back to my old self again. Jon and I will be seeing a cancer therapist very soon and also are looking into other forms of therapy to help us both. This is not easy at all for us or for our relationship and marriage at times. This all can be a huge burden but no matter how hard it gets we will continue to make it through everything and won't quit. I started a new lower dose of my newest chemo yesterday so I am hoping and praying the side effects are kept more minimal this time. So with all this I am hoping things will start to turn and around and go up from here. I thank all my family and friends for continuing to support me in my very up and down moments. It means so much to me..

On another note...time is flying, I can't believe Christmas is over and now it's almost New Years. I hope everyone had a very blessed and Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New year filled with love, hope and joy. God bless all of you. Until next time...

Hate and cancer go together like peanut butter and jelly.

I have been feeling every sort of emotion possible lately....I am sad, angry, upset, depressed and most of all just super confused and frustrated. I am so sick and tired of all of this to be honest. I don't want to deal with this cancer anymore. I don't want any part of it. I legit HATE it so much. I am so sick of the ups and downs....all I want is STABILITY .....is that too much to ask for??? I hate all of the what ifs of everything with this....some days this is all way to much for me and I just need a break or a vacation or something so bad right now!! Sorry this is a bitching/venting blog today but I need to do it because I am way too overwhelmed and need to get some of these emotions out or i'm gonna go crazy!!I feel like I start feeling "better" and then something new happens with my body and mind or life and everything gets messed up again...so so frustrating....but then again that is life and I need to realize this and that this is now my "new" life but that doesn't mean I have to like this cancer at all....I will accept it but I in no way, shape or form like it. I wish this cancer would just shove itself up its own ass if it had one...lol....ugh soo over it!!! Hopefully my next blog will be a much more positive and happy blog...but for now it is what it is!! Until next time....

 

A new chapter in my journey...the best is yet to come...

So have been doing little things to prepare for my new lifestyle change. I am gradually adding all healthier whole raw and organic foods a little bit at a time and also now have most of the tools I need to start my new life. I am feeling so good about all of this. I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life and is a bit scary...obviously I was not a very healthy eater at all and I ate whatever I wanted....(and no this is not how or why I got cancer... although I'm sure my past lifestyle didn't help AT ALL but my cancer is also genetic and I've had the gene in my body since I was born.) This cancer was my wake up call and made me realize how precious our bodies are and how abusive I was being towards my body and also mind.

I have such a different mindset now though then I used to...I have been on every diet you can imagine since I was a teen(which is my first mistake) and never stuck to anything really before...

...but that was when I had a super negative mindset and just still didn't love myself enough to try and had absolutely no will power. It is amazing how different I am now...first, I don't look at this as a "diet"....this is a complete lifestyle change and also possibly for me a lifesaver change that I am making. Do I wish I would have done this sooner...absolutely...but I can't go back in time now and I can't change anything so this is where I am starting this new chapter in my journey. I am very ready for all of these changes in my life and I have such an amazing support system who are backing me up 150%. It is so wonderful to have such amazing people in my life and makes my choices that much easier. My next stop will be talking with my oncologist on Dec 5th- I am not sure what is going to happen at that appointment- I am hoping that I will be supported but everyone is entitled to their opinions but it all comes down to this being my life and my body and this I feel is the best chance for me to really live and overcome this cancer and to be the healthiest I can possibly be. After I focus on me and get myself together and start feeling better and better my next goal in my journey will be starting work again as soon as I am up and ready!!!

This was a wonderful weekend- Jon's best friend Matt came over Saturday and we all went to the shooting range together- I never shot any type of gun before so this was a first for me!!

 Matt had his 100 year old .22 rifle so it was easy and fun to shoot!! Another check off of my lifelist!! Then Sunday was my furry nephew Elway's 1st birthday party!! He is so cute and Indy had fun!!

 

Today I used my new juicer for the very first time! It was awesome and so fun/easy to use. I made my first juice concoction out of kale,spinach,sweet potato,carrot,apples,oranges and a little lemon- It was very delicious and I look forward to juicing every single day and coming up with new and healthy drinks!!! I also started my day out with a fresh banana/kefir/raw kimchi juice smoothie- (for all that don't know kimchi is fermented veggies and kefir is fermented milk drink that is made with kefir grains- it is very similar to yogurt but with 13 different good for your body bacteria's and probiotic organisms.)

I hope everyone has a very wonderful and happy Thanksgiving day coming up!!! Gobble,Gobble!!!I am so thankful for so many things- My wonderful and amazing Hubby,Family and Friends...having a roof over my head and food in my belly...and also having so so many of you supporting me and helping me through everything...I am so very thankful to have an amazing relationship with my Lord and Savior and for his continued grace and mercy and most of all love he has shown me on a daily basis and for helping me to be strong and become the person that I am today...Don't just count your blessings on Thanksgiving ...count them every day..God bless all of you....until next time my friends....

We continue to be so very very blessed...Thank You all!!

Again, I am overwhelmed with love and my heart just is swelling so big right now

.....I received the most beautiful gift today from many of you and it means the world to Jon and I!!! My sister worked so hard and came up with a "gift card bouquet" for Jon and I. It was such a sweet and thoughtful idea!! Thank ALL of you soooo very much for your kindness, generosity and love. Jon and I definitely feel the love and are so very very blessed by so many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million!!! You all are wonderful and again this means so much to Jon and I....also anyone who graciously gave us a gift card can you please personally (to my facebook or email kns2104@hotmail.com) send me your mailing address?? I would appreciate that!!! I thank God everyday for people like all of you because without the help of others Jon and I would not be as fortunate as we are!!! Until next time my friends....

 

 

 

 

Let me make myself clear.....

Let me make myself more clear...



 I have been getting some assumptions and judgments, since my last blog and I want to clear anything up so there is no more of that. I WILL be still doing a minimum dose of my current medication AND introducing holistic and healthier approaches as my new treatment regimen. Yes, My eventual goal ( which could be months or years from now, I do not know at this point since I am no there yet) is to eventually through prayer and strict diet change and lifestyle change be able to COMPLETELY be off of the treatments because I am hoping and praying that at that point I will be healthy enough to do that( Which I feel in my heart and soul that I will be) Although, I do no need to explain my life choices to anyone except my family and close friends...I do want to make this very clear so people are not just assuming without even privately asking me. Thank you to my amazing Hubby, family and friends for their loving 100% support during this time. I honestly could not do this without all of you standing behind me. I am so blessed to have you all with me and by my side during all of this. It only makes me stronger and able to fight this harder!! Too many people are stuck in this world that once you have an incurable cancer ...its over...your done....nope sorry...not in my case....not in my lifetime....incurable and terminal cancers have thousands of studies on people being fully cured and even healthier then before by doing the all natural approach for thousands and thousands of years. I feel my odds are MUCH better by going this route then continuing to live the life I am and essentially wasting away with all of these treatments that are causing so so many more issues and problems. Don't get me wrong...I thank God that we do have the treatments to help along the way and I am still so glad they are there and I cheer everyone on for their decisions because they are just that THERE decisions....we all have to stand up for ourselves at some point and really decide what is best for us. In my eyes doing what I am doing is called walking on faith. I have no idea how its going end up. could I be making a mistake..possibly. But I have one huge thing standing on my side who will never let me down and forsake me. That is God. When you have God in your life a whole new world is opened to you that you would have never considered without Him. Our God is good and faithful and He knows what is best for me and I am trusting that, so how then could I go wrong??  Again, I thank all of you for your openness, advice and reaching out to me. I just ask you do this in a respectful way if you would like to know more! Thank You all so much for your continued support! God Bless!!!!

Big decisions...

I feel like I am at war right now. I feel like my body, mind and most importantly God are telling me to do something and modern medicine and Dr's and even family to some extent are suggesting to do another. Do I listen to what the rest of the world thinks is right?? Or do I trust my body, mind and soul that what I am feeling is right? Some people are going to read this and say okay..."she is completely off of her rocker, insane." Some people will read this and probably think " I couldn't agree more." So here is my dilemma and BIG decisions that I need to make...and frankly I feel in my heart need to be made sooner rather then later....

Okay so lets put it out there...as if you don't already know...I am sick, I am very sick. I have a cancer that can not by modern medicine be cured. Yes, This treatment I am taking is prolonging life...it could even possibly be shrinking some tumors and regressing the cancer a bit for now, But is this really how I want to live the rest of my life? Do I want to be relying on these medicines that are essentially killing my healthy cells and my immune system just so I can say that I am living longer or that I am still here? Since starting these treatments, I always felt like these treatments are not right for me. If these were a known cure for me...it would be a COMPLETELY different story. However they are not and never will be. Why should I choose to live on these toxic medicines and feel like shit on a daily basis. Is that really living? Is that how I want my life to be and my body to feel? The answer for me is absolutely not. Some of you( particularly family) may be reading this thinking...."oh my gosh, she is giving up...she is already putting in the towel." This is absolutely not true. If anything, I am standing up for my body and my self and I am going to fight this cancer the way I feel God has intended me to. How am I supposed to fight this deadly cancer if I don't even feel close to well enough to do it?? I need to feel at my best and I need to have a strong immune system and body to fight this. I need all of the strength I can get. Modern medicine and statistics say that this cancer is incurable for me. I say anything is curable. If you have God first and foremost, inner strength and hope and love...then I feel anything is possible. " Through God, anything is possible." I have very very strong feelings to stop or drastically reduce the dose of this chemo in the next few weeks...then eventually I am going to stop ALL chemo and go to all natural remedies/vitamins and start the process of completely changing my eating habits/lifestyle and exercise daily .I started the treatments at full dose in the beginning because I felt I had no choice. This is what I am "supposed" to do. I was supposed to go on these treatments and when they shrunk a tumor or two was supposed to be jumping for joy. Wow, a tumor shrinks...that is great but like I said before...all this is doing is prolonging...this isn't healing me at all...this isn't making me better. I feel like it is a false hope. This is a hard decision. This is something I have been contemplating for a while but was just very quiet about it( except for with my husband) After very long consideration and research I am deciding that I am stopping all of these treatments and I am going to do what I feel God wants me to do. I am going to go the all natural route, I feel like God has been speaking to me clearer then ever and I feel like in my heart and soul this is the right decision. Is it scary?? Absolutely I am scared, I am human and I have no idea what can happen. Could things get worse? Yes they can, but I am walking on true faith right now. I feel that God will not let things get worse. I feel that this is the beginning to a beautiful healing journey for me. I have true faith that everything is going to be okay no matter what happens. I know this is all probably hard for my family to hear because it is very very scary and lets face it this is the real world...you hear so many things from media and some doctors and you begin to believe that. But most of all I need your support and I need you like I do to trust in God and trust in my decision. Besides, I know I have the best Dr. that there is who is looking after me...and that is Our Lord. <3

This is something I hate doing and I don't ask for help very often. Some of  you may feel the need to help and some of you may not. I don't want anyone to feel any pressure or anything but this is where we need a bit of financial help. In order to get all of the things I will need to start my new healing cancer journey, Jon and I have sat down and figured out it will be around 700-800 dollars to get me started on my new treatment regimen. Due to everything, obviously this is something Jon and I don't currently have, however I feel I need to start this sooner rather then later so I can get off my current treatment plan and begin to get these toxins out of my body. Jon and I are starting up a donation website to help us to get what we need to get started on my new journey. Any little bit of help is so very appreciated. Like I said, I really hate doing this but I really didn't know what else to do. Here is the link to our website below....

http://www.gofundme.com/56izrc

We can't thank you all enough for your continued love, and support...you all are keeping me alive and fighting!! Thank you so very much <3 I love every single one of you!! Please keep praying for Myself, Jon and my family...that we can find healing and have peace of mind while making these very hard decisions. Until next time my friends....

Yes, I have a terminal cancer...but isn't life itself essentially terminal?

If you read my post title you may be asking..."what does she mean?" Well if you really think about life isn't it techniquely terminal by the definition- We are dying every single day. Every single one of us. Not one of us knows when we are going to die...it could be at any time, at any moment--so therefor isn't life terminal then as well....we should all live as if we were dying because we are.

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This blog this morning, is not to be down or to have a negative tone to it that is not my intention by any means. One of my goals in life is to be an advocate for Medullary thyroid cancer. There is not much talk about this rare cancer. When many of us hear the word thyroid cancer, the words "good, easy & curable" might come to mind. To be honest before I was diagnosed this is what I thought of thyroid cancer too. I was absolutely one of those people that was ridiculous and thought "well, I guess if I would ever get cancer, thyroid cancer is the one to get." Wrong!!! First off, how naïve of Me and media to think. I had no idea that there were 4 different types of thyroid cancer and that 2 out of the 4 can be/are essentially terminal cancers. I just happen to have one of them.

I never imagined in my life that I, Kristin Nicole MacFarland would be diagnosed at 23 with terminal cancer. This can be a very scary and overwhelming thought for me. To this day, I still cringe when I hear that word. It is not the greatest word to hear, especially in a cancer diagnosis. Granted, when I thought of terminal cancer before my diagnosis I was naïve again and thought that the word terminal meant a Dr. telling you that you have 6 months to live and that was it, which a lot of the times that is what it means but in my case I guess you can call my cancer a very slow terminal cancer. I can live many, many years with my cancer before I start having any major problems. So I guess that is a good thing..right?
Jon and I are very aware what the word terminal means, we are in no denial, although it is hard for that word to escape our mouths at times and its weird--I can say it and be fine but when Jon uses the word terminal it hits me 1000 times harder and I get very sad. He doesn't use it much unless I talk about it first. So I guess in a way, I am still in denial but I think that is very normal. Jon & I have already had to have some pretty hard conversations...not a conversation I expected to have in our first 2 years of marriage. They are topics no couple at the age of 25 should have to talk about together but we are very realistic and are very real about the fact that our life as a married couple right now on Earth could be possibly cut shorter then we would like, but that is life. If anything, it taught us to laugh more, not fight so often, hug and kiss each other a million times a day and we say the words " I love you" more then we can count. It really cemented our relationship and opened our eyes.

When you are a kid/teenager you have all of these dreams and goals for yourself. I imagined having a fabulous career ....the perfect little family with Jon...the white picket fence...the whole 9 yards...that dream did not turn out quite like I imagined, but I am okay with that. I don't think I would really appreciate who I have in my life & what I truly have if this cancer didn't happen. So I am very thankful for it. My reality now is fighting the fight of my life, having to leave my career as a hairstylist (which I feel I could have excelled in) due to my sickness and complications from my major cancer surgery last December. Living pretty much paycheck to paycheck or opening unwanted credit cards just to get by at times and knowing that I can't help Jon out much financially at all right now except for the little I get through disability which we are very grateful for. I am very very blessed that I have an amazing Husband that would go to the ends of the Earth and backwards for me to make sure I was ok and happy. He takes his role as a Husband and the definition of a man very seriously and I couldn't imagine having a husband who didn't take on that supporting and providing role. I am very fortunate to have found a wonderful man and husband who is an extremely hard and dedicated worker and will do whatever he needs to do for us. He reminds me very much of my Dad, which is something I admire. My Dad is also a very hard worker and would do whatever he had to to provide for his family, it is very admirable and a wonderful quality and I feel blessed that I have men like that in my life.

Another thing we are faced with that I don't talk about much, is the fact that Jon and I may never get a chance to have the family we have always wanted. This kills me because I know how much Jon always wanted a child(preferably a little boy..so the MacFarland name can live on). It kills me that I probably can't do that for Us. I may never know what it is like to be a Mother...to give birth and to have those little special moments with a Daughter or Son. I know Jon and I would be wonderful parents. But hey, You never know...God is good and there is always still hope and many options...we never know what the future could bring us. I guess for now we will just be happy with our furry kids...sometimes I think they act just like kids anyways... :-) Those things that I just listed bring me down sometimes, I feel like a failure at times but then Jon reminds me that this is God's plan for us and to keep my head up. He always lifts me right back up when I am down. I love him more than anyone could ever know. My biggest fear is not of death for me but of leaving the people I love before my time. One thing that always comforts me is no matter what, We will all be together again with no more pain, hurt, tears or sadness. It will all be taken away from us and we will be made new again when we all meet one day in Heaven.

On another note...tomorrow is Halloween- I love Halloween and am excited to pass candy out to all the kids in the neighborhood...this will be another first for Jon and I ...we never did this together so I am excited to make another memory. Also, this weekend we are going away for our 2 year anniversary on which is on November 5th( wow, time flies) Can't believe it is 2 years already...crazyyy!! We are going to go to Rehobeth/Dewey beach and take Indy with us to see the beach for the first time. I am so excited to see her reaction. It is going to be so relaxing for us!! I can't wait to get away...boy do we need it!!!

Until next time......

think there may be some new beginnings just around the corner....

I have been having a couple really, really good days.....I feel like maybe my hormones are possibly starting to normalize again but i'm crossing my fingers and toes because whenever I say that they go wack again.....so i'm just grateful for these couple of good days...lol. I have had more energy and actually am able to wake up at a decent time and fall asleep at a decent time....its been so nice to have some balance. God is wonderful and he makes himself known to me on a daily basis. Its so great to live your life like this and know that you always have someone by your side in Jesus Christ. It's amazing!! Jon and I went to church yesterday....we go to Cornerstone Baptist church in Lititz and I am in love with this church!! The fellowship and the welcoming feeling is incredible. It is a very small church and only about 20-30 people come for each service but it is such a family atmosphere....everyone knows your name and always asks how you are doing and are genuinely concerned. It's a wonderful feeling. I love our Pastor....He always has such beautiful, meaningful messages that are so relatable...I feel Cornerstone is right where We belong. Its a great feeling!!Next week Cornerstone is having a potluck that I am excited to go to and have fellowship...it's going to be great!!
On another note: I have some bigger news to share....that happened fairly quick, over the weekend...but i'm not getting too excited yet because it is ALL still in the works. Well we have decided a while ago that this house we are in just isn't for us, it doesn't fit our personalities and we can't make it feel like a home for us. So we had a goal that in about 5 years we were gonna look for a house of our dreams- A little detached brick house that we have always wanted. Just one floor because right now our house is too much for me at times especially with my health...the stairs are a bit narrow and cleaning and just doing laundry and taking it up and down 2 sets of stairs is getting difficult for me to keep up with. So our "dream" house would ideally have a bathroom/laundry room on the first floor so it is easier for us later on. Well, God is good and must have been planning this all out while we were dreaming up our future...On Saturday it was just a typical day....I was complaining about our current house to Jon because I am human and do that.. but just kinda brushed it aside and kept going on with my day. I checked my email like normal and I still get emails from my realtor on houses for sale but I never looked at it because we knew we weren't ready to look yet....well today was different because I accidently clicked on the wrong email and up came one of those emails from our realtor with a adorable all brick cape cod for sale. The first thing I thought of was this is soo adorable but I bet its out of our price range. So I kept scrolling and reading and the more I read the more intrigued and excited I was...it was IN our price range and every single thing we have been looking for in our "dream" home. I showed Jon instantly and he loved it as well. It is a detached all brick cape code home with a cute little yard and has so much charm. It has a bathroom and laundry room on the first floor, a nice open floor plan and 2 charming little bedrooms upstairs...I knew instantly that this could be our new home. We contacted our realtor pretty fast and she was kind enough to treat us to dinner and talk with us last night. She also set up a showing of this house. As soon as we walked into the house last night I could already see us living in it....it felt like a home and it wasn't even ours yet. I could see the rest of our lives in this house. It needs a little updating in certain areas but all in all its everything we could want and have ever talked/dreamed about. I feel like God showed us this house and lead us here for a reason....I am not getting my hopes up...well actually i'm gonna be honest and I am because that's how I am...but there is a lot of steps we still have to take but I have a very good feeling about this home. I ask all of you reading this to pray for us, that this is the right path God wants us to take. I have prayed about this since I saw the home and I keep getting good signs.....I hope and pray this will be our home and everything with selling our current house goes smoothly. We are planning on fixing up our current house properly before selling it ....our house now is a very cute house but it is just not for us...its not our dream....but I am sure there is someone out there who would absolutely love our current home...so I have high hopes for it and for our future home...wherever that may be( although, I am hoping this one will be it!!) We will follow whatever God's will is...weather it is this home or another one.....Until next time my friends....


I am going to post pictures of our current home if anyone knows anyone interested...please contact Jon or I- my email is kns2104@hotmail.com! Thank You! It is a 2  bedroom but with finished attic that could be a loft area or another bedroom-1 bathroom- semi detached home in Ephrata, PA- fenced in private adorable back yard- granite countertops- double sinks-( all appliances will be included except for dryer)Fridge,stove,washer,air conditioning unit all included. (We will be putting in new carpet upstairs and fixing a few things right that the last people just patched)

 

 

 

Details of pic from top to bottom: FYI-These are pictures from when we bought the house so we changed a few things such as paint colors and flooring--Front of house, Kitchen, Bathroom( I will take more pictures of double sink vanity later) Living room/dining room area- It no longer is carpet because we put in would laminate flooring all downstairs- Bottom picture is a glimpse of the fenced back yard--- I will take more pics later!! Also....we will be living like literally 30 seconds down the street from this current house...so if you really like Jon & I....we will pretty much be neighbors....that is a huge plus..right?? lol  Thanks!

This girl belongs in the looney bin.......

I am so damn looney lately....my hormones are completely out of whack once again but this time they are the complete opposite!! A few posts ago, I wrote about being hypothyroid ....well now my TSH( thyroid stimulating hormone) decided to go the complete opposite direction and I am now what you call hyperthyroid.....I thought hypo was bad but this is absolutely horrible!! I'm sweating like a big fat pig all the time...I'm shaky....super dizzy and totally out of it most of the time....no appetite...headaches...blurred vision....more hair loss then when I was hypo....and my anxiety and depression is through the roof....my anxiety is awful....all I do is think about things( in particular this stupid ass cancer)and worry and freak out...my emotions are ALL over the place. One day I'm sad, the next I'm happy and all smiles, the next I'm crying all day...and the next I am one angry bitch with a bad attitude. I can't control my emotions at all when I am like this....

my poor ,poor husband!!!Thank God he took his vows seriously and agreed to "..for better or worse." I'm going to be honest its pretty bad and I feel I have absolutely no control over my mind, feelings, emotions or how I feel when I'm in this hyper state....at least when I was hypo....yeah I gained weight like a heffer cow ,but at least I was somewhat more in control of my emotions....ey yi yi.....My Hubby has been absolutely wonderful.....he has been there to comfort me...give me extra back rubs or foot massages...helped me clean the house....taken the wrath of Kristin and still loves me more then ever....I am so very very very( I could repeat very another 100 more times if you would like!) lucky to have a man like him. Last night I was crying because I felt so bad for him and I was legit sobbing and he was laughing at me because of the things I was saying....imagine me ....curled up in fetal position. Crying my eyes out...throwing a tantrum like a little baby and pouting my bottom lip out....yes it was that bad....haha we got a few laughs out of it though because I was being pathetic..

Hubby kept looking at me with my pouty little childish look and kept saying "babe, I can't even look at you because I want to laugh with that cute look you have on your face." I would look up say.." you think i'm cute??" Then I would just fold my arms and bat my eyelashes at him haha. Gosh do I love this man more then life....he is my world....Thank you soo much Lord for this wonderful man you brought into my life!!!

 Any who....just wanted to let y'all know what's goin' on right now in this world of mine....hope you are all having a wonderful and beautiful day and aren't going at crazy as I am :-P Until next time....

 

 

 

Cancer REALLY doesn't know who its messing with......

So I had my Dr. appointment in Philly yesterday....It wasn't good news. I had a feeling that God was preparing me for this, because I just had this feeling it wasn't going to be the best news I wanted to hear. When I heard the nurse say "well, Kristin its not what we wanted to see..." My heart dropped and I just started to cry.....they told me that the chemo that I have been on for only 7 months( but I am still blessed it lasted for at least 7 months...thank you Lord!) is no longer working. This stupid pesky cancer outsmarted it and I now have several more liver lesions and also a lesion by my spine that grew a little bit( I was a bit annoyed because I didn't even know about this bone lesion...so that was a bit by surprise) The thing that sucks is it worked and shrunk for some lesions( my neck and lungs) but not for all of them. My cancer is super dooper weird.....it is such a freakin oddball which makes it even harder to treat.....ughhh this cancer is really pissing me off...I was going to compromise with it and let it live in my body if it stops acting up and growing but now that its being ornery and doing what it wants to do....screw that!!!! This cancer is going to get one hell of a fight...I'll tell you that.....I am a bit down about the news obviously but if anything I am ready to fight it even harder and staying super positive about all of this and most of all have more and more faith.....Hmm....So...have I told you yet how much I HATE this cancer!!! Its starting to bring out the big green hulk inside of me and doesn't realize what/ who its dealing with ;-)

 I have such a wonderful support system though and since my news have had an out pouring of family and friends there to comfort me.....I thank God also that I have my amazing Hubby and Parents with me at my appointments...although I know it is stressful and tense and emotional for all of them as well...it means so much that they are by my side to receive any news that is coming....its nice to all cry, smile, laugh and vent our frustrations to each other...I have to admit other patients probably hate us when we come in because all we do is laugh so hard at each other while we are waiting.....they are little memories that I will always take with me and cherish. The best part of yesterday is when Jon all of a sudden broke the silence and says randomly" So I have a fun fact of the day for all of you...." We all lost it ...my Dad was almost in tears from laughing so hard....we must have all broke out laughing for like 5 minutes.....That's one thing about Jon that is absolutely wonderful...he knows just when to make us all laugh...That is one of the many things that have made me fall soo in love with Jon is  his amazing sense of humor...

On another note, its funny how some people are reacting after this last scan result....this is from people that don't personally  know me or know anything about my actual cancer itself they just know of me and know I am the girl with cancer....but more people are acting like I am just this poor girl dying...which yes I am, we all are...but...I am still alive!! I am still breathing and here just like all of you....I have seen people saying ..." Some ashame, cancer takes people so young" ..... but it hasn't taken me yet....and I'm not saying this to point everyone out or to be a bitch but its funny being the cancer patient and seeing how people react, I get all types of reactions...most people don't know what to say which is completely understandable....a lot of people start saying well you need to completely go on this or that type of food diet and you will be cured.....yes that will help....but my cancer isn't like other cancers...it is genetic...I was born with it already programmed in my system....and no I will not be cured from all these treatments or eating this special food unless God decides for me that He is going to heal me. I just always have to laugh when people who don't really know me sometimes assume things without knowing the full and real story of my cancer journey...and I know its because of being naïve and not really looking at my journey itself but because of all the hype around cancer in general especially in media and other ways. I am always open for questions, comments, advice ....anything ...I just ask you please ask me personally about it and talk to me personally and I will be open and tell you anything you need/want to know...I am ALWAYS open to any type of suggestions for coping, treatment ideas...good advice. Whatever.... BUT never just assume you know somebody's personal cancer journey just because you knew someone going through cancer because there is a whole spectrum of cancer in this world and not one persons journey is the same, please always keep this in mind.......until next time

It ain't over till its over.....

Having some more difficult days again.....I've been in quite a bit of pain lately physically....I feel like my bones are going to break and like I am 90 years old. Of course I automatically think ..."What if the cancer went to my bones?" I try my hardest not to think this way but it is so hard at times dealing with all the pains....I get days where I am so mad about all of this and think I should not be feeling this way at 25 years old. It makes me sad, I cry and some days I just don't understand why God felt I was strong enough to handle this cancer...honestly some days I don't feel strong at all. I trust in Him though and like I've always said I will continue to keep truckin' along and keep going through this. Some days I get moments of pure fear of what could possibly be in my future...I am tired already from all of this and I just want it all gone and to be healthy again....I would give up anything to just be healthy and to be healed. I still have faith that in time God will heal me if its in His will and I know I need to be patient...it will all be in good time and when He decides is the right time....

Some days I get that little devil on my shoulder creeping into my mind...making me feel hopeless and that this cancer is just going to take over soon....whenever that happens I instantly start to pray to our Lord for comfort and positive thoughts and feelings...that always helps. Since being diagnosed I have absolutely been in a spiritual war as well between God and the Devil.....some days I just feel this bad presence around me....trying to make me give up and just let the cancer take over .....I believe that is the devil trying to get at me....many times I will tell Jon I have some anxiety and fears that won't leave so we will stop whatever we are doing/ wherever we are and just start praying. All the fear and anxiety just leaves my body instantly and I can start fighting again. God is very powerful and they say the more you believe in him the more negative things can happen to try to persuade you to not  believe in Him....Boy has this been truer then ever ...especially when dealing with this cancer ....but I will never ever stop believing in My savior....he keeps me going and keeps me strong....he has been so present in my life and if anything I have the deepest faith I have ever felt since getting sick. I could never deny my Lord ....He has changed me into a much better person....he has taught me to stand up for myself....live a more Christian life and treat people with kindness, love and compassion like He does. My life is forever changed. God has opened my eyes and I am forever thankful. Life is so so short and I want to live the best life I can until God decides to take me to be with him for eternity whenever that may be. I of course want to be around for a long, long time and would love to be able to sit on a front porch in our old wooden rocking chairs with my husband when we are old and gray.....I have so many dreams and goals and truly feel that God won't be taking me anytime soon but when that time comes I will know and I will be ready....but it ain't over till its over so until then I plan to live every day to the fullest......until next time......

 

 

 

 

Government Shutdown......Plain insanity.....

I am so upset about this government shut down....it is honestly a bunch of crap and it makes me so very angry.....This shutdown directly effects me and sooo many other people....

- The government has decided to stop taking new patients for clinical trials for cancer research and NIH (National Institutes of Health) due to this government shut down. SOOO many people rely on these clinical trials for there next cancer treatment options when all options they have no longer work and their body is resistant to the drugs they have taken thus far. This is going to likely be in my future at some point due to the rarity of my cancer and I may need one of these clinical trials in the future....I know of people now who are trying to get on these clinical trials as their next option and can now not get into one due to this government shut down. This is COMPLETELY unacceptable! They need to stop this arguing and realize they have peoples lives in their hands....come on stop being selfish ...work whatever it is out and get your shit together because people are getting sicker due to not being able to get the next treatment. This NEEDS to stop ....I started a petition that I am going to send to congress. My goal is that all of this ridiculousness ends soon and trials start again ASAP...but you never know anymore so I plan on fighting like hell just incase this shutdown continues. Please everyone who reads this...please click the link below and sign my petition. We all seem to be affected by cancer one way or another and we need to take a stand!  PLEASE PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME ...CLICK THE LINK...AND SIGN. Thank You!

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/302/098/866/support-future-clinical-research-trials-for-all-cancer-patients/#

My heart and prayers are with not only the cancer patients going through this but everyone else who is affected by this government shutdown...lets pray this gets resolved very quickly! Until next time...

A new chapter in my life....

Things have been going pretty well for me....I have been feeling pretty good for the most part since getting over my recent sinus infection that really pulled me down and I am starting to feel "normal" again since adding another medicine to my synthroid regimen.... I now take 25mcg of cytomel which is a T3 supplement ...I have been reading that sometimes the T4 in synthroid which is supposed to convert to T3 just sometimes doesn't work as well as its supposed to and doesn't convert right so I decided I was sick of feeling like crap ....sleeping weird patterns...losing hair...gaining weight....even when my numbers were in the normal range....something wasn't right still...so I decided to ask my doctor to add this to my synthroid regimen and what a difference it has made.....I have more energy...my sleeping is back to normal....my hair got thicker and I am able to not yoyo with my weight so much.....its a great feeling! Lets pray and hope my body stays adjusted like this for a while!!

 Another positive thing that happened is I will be finally after almost 2 years, will be going back to work again. I will only be working a few hours but I think it will be perfect. I will be working back at Supercuts as a receptionist....I finally feel I am ready to get back into the swing of things! It is such a good feeling to be able to not just be making a little money to help out Jon and I but to get back into the salon world and to be in my atmosphere again....It has been nice to have the time off that I had to find myself again and become a stronger person, I am now at a point in my life where I am more content with having this cancer and knowing how to deal with it and I knew this was the right time to work again. Jon has been soo supportive of me through everything and I am so grateful to him. He has told me that I never had to work again if I didn't want to but he wanted me to do whatever makes me happy. I know how much he struggles with keeping us a float at times and knew that enough was enough and I couldn't let that happen anymore....I know it isn't going to be much more money but I feel good that I can help a little bit...even if its just with groceries....I feel it will be the perfect thing for me to do since it will only be 4 hour shifts at a time and I know that is totally doable with everything going on! I am very excited to start this new chapter in my life and continue to look at the positive of everything this life brings for me. Thank you Lord for giving me this wonderful opportunity!! Until Next time!! :)

 

 

Oh by the way....today ends thyroid cancer awareness month....I will NEVER stop spreading awareness though but please please please do me a huge favor and most of all yourself a HUGE favor....GET YOUR NECK CHECKED!!! Thank you all!!