It ain't over till its over.....

Having some more difficult days again.....I've been in quite a bit of pain lately physically....I feel like my bones are going to break and like I am 90 years old. Of course I automatically think ..."What if the cancer went to my bones?" I try my hardest not to think this way but it is so hard at times dealing with all the pains....I get days where I am so mad about all of this and think I should not be feeling this way at 25 years old. It makes me sad, I cry and some days I just don't understand why God felt I was strong enough to handle this cancer...honestly some days I don't feel strong at all. I trust in Him though and like I've always said I will continue to keep truckin' along and keep going through this. Some days I get moments of pure fear of what could possibly be in my future...I am tired already from all of this and I just want it all gone and to be healthy again....I would give up anything to just be healthy and to be healed. I still have faith that in time God will heal me if its in His will and I know I need to be patient...it will all be in good time and when He decides is the right time....

Some days I get that little devil on my shoulder creeping into my mind...making me feel hopeless and that this cancer is just going to take over soon....whenever that happens I instantly start to pray to our Lord for comfort and positive thoughts and feelings...that always helps. Since being diagnosed I have absolutely been in a spiritual war as well between God and the Devil.....some days I just feel this bad presence around me....trying to make me give up and just let the cancer take over .....I believe that is the devil trying to get at me....many times I will tell Jon I have some anxiety and fears that won't leave so we will stop whatever we are doing/ wherever we are and just start praying. All the fear and anxiety just leaves my body instantly and I can start fighting again. God is very powerful and they say the more you believe in him the more negative things can happen to try to persuade you to not  believe in Him....Boy has this been truer then ever ...especially when dealing with this cancer ....but I will never ever stop believing in My savior....he keeps me going and keeps me strong....he has been so present in my life and if anything I have the deepest faith I have ever felt since getting sick. I could never deny my Lord ....He has changed me into a much better person....he has taught me to stand up for myself....live a more Christian life and treat people with kindness, love and compassion like He does. My life is forever changed. God has opened my eyes and I am forever thankful. Life is so so short and I want to live the best life I can until God decides to take me to be with him for eternity whenever that may be. I of course want to be around for a long, long time and would love to be able to sit on a front porch in our old wooden rocking chairs with my husband when we are old and gray.....I have so many dreams and goals and truly feel that God won't be taking me anytime soon but when that time comes I will know and I will be ready....but it ain't over till its over so until then I plan to live every day to the fullest......until next time......