Thank You

The support I am being shown simply amazes me. First I was surprised today with flowers that were delivered to me from my friends Corey and Kristin. They lifted my spirits immediately and were so beautiful. About a half hour ago my Sister and Brother in Law stopped over because they said they had something for me. I opened the card which read that every week starting the first day of my chemo(which is today) I will be receiving a "sunshine bag" from someone who I may know or may not know. A" sunshine bag" is something in the bag that will brighten my week. My Sister told me that her and my sister in law came up with this idea. I am soo excited to have something to look forward to each week. This is such an amazing idea and I know will be something I will look forward during the ups & downs of each week & cherish forever. I know I have said it a million times but this is exactly why I continue to stay so strong....it because of my great support team and the many people who have reached out with their support. I am so thankful for all of the many people in my life. You all brighten my days and lift my spirits more then you will know. You have no idea how much the little things mean to Me.

I was dreading this day today and now I am sitting here and can say it was actually a wonderful day and that is because of everyone who supports me and is there for me. I love you all more then you will ever know....Thank You.

Beautiful Flowers from Corey and Kristin

Week 1- Sunshine Bag from Kelli and Jeff <3

Also I decided that I am going to document my "Sunshine Bags" so i can share them with all of you....the picture above is from today(week 1) from my Sister and Brother-in-law...Thank you both soo much :)

Eternal Peace.....

 Today I am all about relaxation, being peaceful and positive energy. I start the chemo tonight and I want to be in the most calm and peaceful state that I can be in. I want my mind and body to be open to the drug as much as possible. I am feeling OK about it. I think I am as ready as I can be about starting it. I have been sleeping much better the past 2 days so that makes me feel better as well. I needed that sleep. I know that if it wasn't for getting those extra couple of hours that I would not be in the state of mind that I need to be to start the chemo,so I am grateful that I was able to rest. I thank God that he is giving me the strength I need to get through this. I can tell that my prayers are being answered because of the calmness that I have been feeling. I have peace of mind for once in a long time. I know that everything will be ok....until next time

Someone please hit the relief valve...

Soo today I'm kinda in an annoyed mood....probably part of it has to do with that I slept HORRIBLE last night but also I want to say ....sometimes peoples opinions need to stay to themselves. I'm just putting all of my faith into God that whatever happens during this journey I am on is for a reason. I am trusting Him that He put me into the right Dr's hands and that things will be OK. To be honest I am totally fucking clueless to a point of what to do and what not to do when it comes to this cancer...whats right and whats wrong? I don't know...I just know that I need to take each day as it comes and just live, breathe and take in every moment. I get so sick and tired of not knowing if the decision I am making about this cancer is the right one or the wrong one...I am just going with the flow and like I said I know that whatever path God puts me on through this is the right one for me..maybe not for others but for ME it is. Do I want to start this Chemo...of course not....who in their right mind would??? I frankly, don't want to do any of this shit....I DON'T WANT CANCER, but with that said I have it, I will deal with it and hell even despite the odds I may even beat it to a pulp. No body wants cancer...no one wants to make these kind of decisions yet alone at any age but at 25!! I don't think so! This is not how I pictured my life at 25...not at all....however this is how my life is supposed to be...this is the way God wants my life to play out so i will be a fair player and play the game to the best of my ability. This past week I have been particularly more stressed out so excuse the bitch fest I just had but I needed to vent....some days I get so frustrated being in this body and dealing with this that I just need to scream, cry, have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old and then after all that is done I go back to dealing with it...putting a smile on my face, moving forward and living again...and with that I sigh a big sigh of relief and I feel better....until next time...

Here we go...

So I got an official start date today of when I will be starting the chemo drug...March 29th and then i'll be having a 2 week follow up appointment in Philly on April 12th....It totally kinda put me in a funk..I really don't want to have to start the drug but I'll do what I have to I guess...After I got off of the phone with my Doctors nurse...I cried a little and got butterflies dancing in my stomach....

Tonight Jon and I are having friends over...My plan for tonight is to just relax, have fun and not think about anything....sounds good to me....till next time...

Please leave a message after the beep.......BEEP!!

Today is one of those days that I wanna shut off my phone and not be bothered.....I am feeling overwhelmed and my brain is going in 5 million different directions....Sometimes I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown one of these days just from stress....AHHHH....I just want to scream. So I am apologizing in advance if I do not answer my phone or answer messages today...please just let me have this day ...some days there is only so much I can take..Thank you all for understanding...until next time....

P.S- PLEASE NO ONE TAKE THIS BLOG PERSONAL...IT IS JUST HOW I AM FEELING TODAY BUT IT IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE OR ANYTHING SPECIFIC JUST NEED TO TAKE A MENTAL HEALTH DAY FOR MYSELF TO KEEP SANE! :)

GOT FAITH?

Today I am having anxiety. It's one of those days that I have been thinking a lot about the cancer and about starting the chemo drug soon. I got a phone call today from Biologics which is the company that makes the chemotherapy I will be starting. They called to set up a time that the drug can be delivered to me. They are so nice to talk to and you can tell they genuinely care, which is refreshing. So just to give you all a little background on the drug that I am going to be starting, the name of the drug is called Caprelsa. It is an oral chemotherapy that I will be taking daily.So it is different from a typical chemotherapy that most people have heard about that is given through an IV. Some of the side effects are the big "d" (diarrhea), sun sensitivity, QT prolongation( which means the change of electrical activity of the heart),blood pressure issues, skin reactions such as rashes,blisters etc, fatigue and several more.

Don't we all wish we would read this on the side of a medication bottle??

 This of course makes me very nervous. Sometimes it gets me frustrated when people say to me "Oh it will be fine, you will be okay." Which I agree no matter what happens I'll make the best out of it but sometimes I just want to be like "okay...well you take it and then lets see how you feel on it...don't worry you will be okay." It's just scary seeing these side effects and thinking some of that stuff could happen to me. I just pray that I am able to stay strong during this and that my body tolerates the drug well. I know that God will never give me anything I couldn't handle. So I guess no matter what happens in the future I will take each day as it comes and be okay with it, not saying I won't be scared or nervous but I will deal with it. I am slowly accepting more and more that this is my life now. My life is different now that I have cancer but I always have to remember that cancer is not my life. I will not let cancer rule my life and control my life. I will control cancer. I will do anything necessary to beat cancer down and make it weak.

 

I love the quote above. Every time I am feeling down I will go back and look at this quote to remember that cancer does affect a lot of things but there are also many many more important things that it wont affect in my life and that I won't allow it to affect. I woke up this morning and just thanked God that I am here today, that I have a wonderful family and support system and that I am living and breathing. Despite everything, I am very thankful. Through all of this, I have never been angry towards God. I know when somethings happen in peoples lives that they may turn their backs away from God but I feel that if anything, he is giving me this cross to carry and I am more the willing to carry it for Him. I know that His will and my will may not always be the same, however I am learning to live my life through faith and trust in Him. With that said, I'll end this post with a quote...till next time...

The simple things in life ...make the best of memories!

So yesterday was such a great day. As I talked about in my previous post...My sister and Brother-in-law "kidnapped" us at around 7:30am yesterday morning. I saw on their GPS that it was going to be about a 3 hour drive...so 3 hours later and we were at Ocean City Maryland. I love the beach so I was very excited and I was never at the beach during off season so it was such a cool experience. It even started to snow at one point which was really neat!

A picture I took yesterday on my camera!

The beach with incoming snow clouds

Kelli and I

Kelli, Me and Jon

Jon, Me and Jeff

Jeff and Kelli

Ferris Wheel

The first thing we did was walked straight out to the beach...for all of you who haven't been to the beach when it was still chilly out...I still had the mentality that it would be like walking out in the summer but obviously I was wrong...lol. The sand was freezing and my feet kept cramping up but it was worth it. The ocean looked soo beautiful and it was so serene to just hear the waves crashing. I love that sound. It is soo peaceful. I could sit and watch the ocean all day. We only stayed out on the beach for like 10 minutes and took some pictures and stuff but then hurried back to the boardwalk because it was really windy out by the ocean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the torture device

Kelli sitting on the torture chair that had spikes coming out...lol oh my!

The boys didn't mind the torture chair too much!

Jeff looking comfy in the torture chair

Lady Gaga picture made out of puzzle pieces

Me and Lizard Man lol

Me on the life size piano

After getting back to the boardwalk, we decided to go to Ripley's Believe it or Not. Jon and I have been to a Ripley's before in Atlantic City and thought it was neat but Kelli and Jeff were never in one so we decided to check it out! Here are a few pics of what we saw and just being silly!

Jon with Megladon jaws in background

 After Ripleys, We went and ate lunch at De Lazy Lizard...It was a really neat and chill place. They had reggae music playing and of course everyone was dressed up in their St. Pattys day gear. We had a good lunch, a few drinks and a lot of laughs!

Sisters at De Lazy Lizard

Who knows what he's doing!

The boys making dumb faces for the camera lol

The last activity we decided to do is go indoor mini golfing.(sorry forget to take pics of that!)..that was fun..we made a bet that if the girls won then the husbands would have to give us a massage and if the boys won that we would have to give them one....in the end the boys won...I believe the combined scores were 74 to 86..so we weren't too far off of winning!!( I still have yet to give my hubby his massage, maybe he'll forget lol)

All in all I had a wonderful time and I loved making all of the memories that we did...it's moments like yesterday that I will never forget and always cherish! Thank You Kelli and Jeff for making it such a great day for us!! It was soo nice to have a day to just have fun and forget about the real world for a little while! We love you guys soo much! Thank You!! Till next time...... :)

Fighter....

 Yesterday, My brother and Sister-in-law(and McCartney!) invited Jon and I over for dinner...They surprised me with a beautiful necklace which I am in love with!! I've said this many many times but this is why I love my family soo much...they are my biggest cheerleaders through this all and its because of them and God that I continue to have the strength that I do. Thank You Jason,Ronice & McCartney. I love you!

So I have a few exciting things coming up in the near future. My Sister called me a few days ago to tell me that on Sunday they are kidnapping us and are taking us somewhere. I am excited. I know that whatever they have planned is going to be great! Everyone knows whats going on but me..even Jon...but no one will break..I've already tried lol. I have my inkling of what is going on but I'll keep that to myself and see if I am right....I just know that no matter what we do..as long as we are all together its going to be an awesome day! Love you guys!!! Can't wait!

Time for a little picture break!!!

My Silly and beautiful Niece McCartney! I love this little girl!

Indy wanted a mini photo shoot today! Love my puppy :)

Taken Yesterday...with my better half and biggest supporter...my husband Jon

Jon and I on our wedding Day with my Sister in Law Ronice and Brother Jason

My Parents <3

Another great shot from that day..Jon and I with my Sister Kelli and Brother in Law Jeff

 Another excited thing is that I am getting a tattoo designed by a friend of my Sisters...to hopefully get done sooner then later...I never got a tattoo and I have been really thinking hard about it and have decided I want to get one done..it will probably be my only tattoo that I get so I want it to be very special and meaningful.Hopefully I can get it before starting the chemo drug because I am not sure if it would be a good idea to get it during( Any meddie friends reading this ...do you have an opinion on this?)but we'll have to wait and see so heres to hoping! I think a tattoo can be a very powerful and artistic statement of who you are as a person. I want my tattoo to reflect my battle with cancer and to represent strength...So that is a work in progress for now. :)

 I've been feeling better these past few days...more positive and uplifted this week...I've been having more good days then bad so that also makes me happy. I've also been trying to keep busier to keep my mind off of things which is definitely helpful... so things all in all seem to be going very well! Till next time...

For the times I couldn't walk... thank you to those who carried me.

Lets just always remember that actions definitely speak louder then words..if you truly cared for someone you would be there no matter what... through thick and thin and not just say you would.Many people have come in and out of my life especially after being diagnosed,but I feel God chose the people that should be in my life at this point and I am completely happy with that..you all have been my biggest supporters...no need to name names...you know who you are..I just want to say thank you and I love you! With that said...till next time my friends<3

 

Regretful Mistakes...

Days like today make me want to sleep forever.....when its dreary and rainy those are the days my body is screaming for rest....However, I love listening to the rain. The sound is so relaxing. My husband loves rainy days, I think they calm him...he came up into the bedroom today and announced that it is raining this morning with this adorable school boy grin on his face....I just rolled back over in bed...

That is just one of the many things I love about my husband...he has this boyish charm to him...not many see this side of him...in fact most of the time Jon has a very serious and rough exterior to him when he is in public...he has been through a lot in his life and is always feeling the need to protect himself from getting hurt...I think I am one of the first people in his life who he has let his full guard down for and I am thankful for that. Since I've been diagnosed he has been my biggest supporter...I don't truly know how he is feeling inside though because he doesn't talk about it much about me being sick but I know that he is hurting. He is the strongest man I know and has been thrown so many challenges in life, with what he went through many of us would have given up or possibly turned to alcohol or drugs or some other form of forgetting about the past but he just keeps on going and staying so positive and grounded. I wish I could deal with things as well as he could. I envy his strength.

 I haven't been as strong as some people think during this whole cancer thing. In the beginning of being diagnosed, I think I was still in full denial...I still wanted to live like a normal 23 year old. I turned to alcohol and at one point marijuana to help cope. When I did this it made me numb...I didn't have to think about cancer..I could relax and laugh..I could feel "normal" again. I went through this stage for a few months...I stopped with the marijuana but the alcohol I couldn't break until recently...and I still struggle with it....It got to a point where I was drinking by myself a few times a week...I knew it was wrong but I didn't care ...I wanted to be numb from all of my pain..it all went away for those few hours until I woke up the next morning sicker then ever and I hated myself for abusing my body like this, yet it continued to happen. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and have been talking to her about my alcohol abuse. One day in therapy she said the words alcoholic...I was in shock..I just kind of looked at her ...Me an alcoholic?? No way.

 She explained to me that even a person who drinks once a month to get completely hammered and drunk could be considered an alcoholic. She told me that by the way I was dealing with things and the way I was drinking that I could very well be on my way to becoming an alcoholic. She told me about AA meetings and other options. I think this session put me into some state of shock.I was scared. Do I consider myself an alcoholic...no I don't think so ...do I consider myself someone who has alcohol abuse problems...absolutely. I still struggle with alcohol from time to time.. but I've been much better with it and continue to work through it...It angers me that I turned to alcohol after I got diagnosed...I thought I was stronger then that. Just another reason why I HATE CANCER. I'm not blaming it for my actions because I can make my own choices ...cancer doesn't do that for me but would I have had that problem with out it..I highly doubt it. I sit here and am having feelings of sadness and regret over the choices I have made but I also sit here thinking that I needed to go through that to make me the stronger person that I am now. I don't need to numb my body or mind with alcohol. I need to live in the now and go through the struggles and pains. When I was drunk and "happy" that wasn't really me that was the alcohol speaking for me. It was an unnatural happiness. I would much rather live my emotions and when I am happy be TRULY happy. It is hard for me to write about this experience I went through. Not many people knew about it, but I want to be as honest and upfront about my life as possible. Am I scared of judgement...of course I am but this is who I am and I am going to make good choices and bad choices in life...I'm going to make mistakes...I'm going to screw up...but I am also going to learn from these mistakes and grow. I hope that by me being honest and upfront with everyone that maybe I can help someone else going through tough times too...not even just someone struggling with cancer ... but with anything. After hearing about my progression recently, it really made me think about my life and how I was living it before.It made me put thing into perspective. I want my body to be as healthy as possible to fight this cancer not be weak with liquor running through my veins.I think it is hard being in my age group. A lot of people my age go out to bars and go out drinking to have fun and to be honest I want to be able to do that too to some extent...but I know I shouldn't be doing that and I really can't be doing that anymore once I start chemo. I will continue to pray to be strong and stay strong. I need to surround myself with people who understand and will be there for me. This scares me as well...who is going to want to hang out with someone who is sick all the time and can't drink or go out to bars and have fun? I guess I will see...till next time....

I'll have that with a side order of carcinogens please....

The nicer weather here is making me anxious and excited for spring.My Hubby and I are going to try a garden this year...well I should say he is the one that is going to be in charge of it...If I even look at a plant it dies.We've started our own compost a few weeks ago...I was a little hesitant because I thought it was going to smell to high heavens but it actually hasn't smelled at all ...plus I guess it doesn't matter because the benefits will end up outweighing the smell in the long run. This weather makes me want to be outside as much as possible..

   We've decided to do a garden this year because 1) we own a house now and can do whatever we want with our backyard 2) We've been reading up more and more about what is put into our food and it's really disturbing...just the other day I read that Gatorade has fire retardant in it...now why on earth does that need to be in there??!Artificial sweeteners that are in many diet drinks and foods were tested which resulted in many test animals getting cancer...and here we were made to believe that diet stuff is much better for you...its a bunch of bullshit. Also most artificial colors which are in many foods derive from coal tar...which in fact is a carcinogen. Why is it like this? Do they not want us to be healthy? Of course they don't because in today's society its all about greed and money... I've said this to many friends and family...but I truly believe that there is a cure for cancer out there already and I am sure for many many other diseases as well..Jon and I sit and have many conversations about this...you wonder what is really out there and what the government or other big pharmaceutical companies are hiding....but then again why would they want to have a cure for cancer or for many other diseases?? Once everyone is healthy and feeling better then there goes the money...people won't need to go to hospitals nearly as much or need as many medicines...its a scary world that we live in. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for the medicines that are out there to help people but I always wonder ..is there more?