Regretful Mistakes...

Days like today make me want to sleep forever.....when its dreary and rainy those are the days my body is screaming for rest....However, I love listening to the rain. The sound is so relaxing. My husband loves rainy days, I think they calm him...he came up into the bedroom today and announced that it is raining this morning with this adorable school boy grin on his face....I just rolled back over in bed...

That is just one of the many things I love about my husband...he has this boyish charm to him...not many see this side of him...in fact most of the time Jon has a very serious and rough exterior to him when he is in public...he has been through a lot in his life and is always feeling the need to protect himself from getting hurt...I think I am one of the first people in his life who he has let his full guard down for and I am thankful for that. Since I've been diagnosed he has been my biggest supporter...I don't truly know how he is feeling inside though because he doesn't talk about it much about me being sick but I know that he is hurting. He is the strongest man I know and has been thrown so many challenges in life, with what he went through many of us would have given up or possibly turned to alcohol or drugs or some other form of forgetting about the past but he just keeps on going and staying so positive and grounded. I wish I could deal with things as well as he could. I envy his strength.

 I haven't been as strong as some people think during this whole cancer thing. In the beginning of being diagnosed, I think I was still in full denial...I still wanted to live like a normal 23 year old. I turned to alcohol and at one point marijuana to help cope. When I did this it made me numb...I didn't have to think about cancer..I could relax and laugh..I could feel "normal" again. I went through this stage for a few months...I stopped with the marijuana but the alcohol I couldn't break until recently...and I still struggle with it....It got to a point where I was drinking by myself a few times a week...I knew it was wrong but I didn't care ...I wanted to be numb from all of my pain..it all went away for those few hours until I woke up the next morning sicker then ever and I hated myself for abusing my body like this, yet it continued to happen. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and have been talking to her about my alcohol abuse. One day in therapy she said the words alcoholic...I was in shock..I just kind of looked at her ...Me an alcoholic?? No way.

 She explained to me that even a person who drinks once a month to get completely hammered and drunk could be considered an alcoholic. She told me that by the way I was dealing with things and the way I was drinking that I could very well be on my way to becoming an alcoholic. She told me about AA meetings and other options. I think this session put me into some state of shock.I was scared. Do I consider myself an alcoholic...no I don't think so ...do I consider myself someone who has alcohol abuse problems...absolutely. I still struggle with alcohol from time to time.. but I've been much better with it and continue to work through it...It angers me that I turned to alcohol after I got diagnosed...I thought I was stronger then that. Just another reason why I HATE CANCER. I'm not blaming it for my actions because I can make my own choices ...cancer doesn't do that for me but would I have had that problem with out it..I highly doubt it. I sit here and am having feelings of sadness and regret over the choices I have made but I also sit here thinking that I needed to go through that to make me the stronger person that I am now. I don't need to numb my body or mind with alcohol. I need to live in the now and go through the struggles and pains. When I was drunk and "happy" that wasn't really me that was the alcohol speaking for me. It was an unnatural happiness. I would much rather live my emotions and when I am happy be TRULY happy. It is hard for me to write about this experience I went through. Not many people knew about it, but I want to be as honest and upfront about my life as possible. Am I scared of judgement...of course I am but this is who I am and I am going to make good choices and bad choices in life...I'm going to make mistakes...I'm going to screw up...but I am also going to learn from these mistakes and grow. I hope that by me being honest and upfront with everyone that maybe I can help someone else going through tough times too...not even just someone struggling with cancer ... but with anything. After hearing about my progression recently, it really made me think about my life and how I was living it before.It made me put thing into perspective. I want my body to be as healthy as possible to fight this cancer not be weak with liquor running through my veins.I think it is hard being in my age group. A lot of people my age go out to bars and go out drinking to have fun and to be honest I want to be able to do that too to some extent...but I know I shouldn't be doing that and I really can't be doing that anymore once I start chemo. I will continue to pray to be strong and stay strong. I need to surround myself with people who understand and will be there for me. This scares me as well...who is going to want to hang out with someone who is sick all the time and can't drink or go out to bars and have fun? I guess I will see...till next time....