Cancer can be a lonely place....

Sometimes cancer can be a very lonely place. I often wonder what switch is turned on in some people when someone is diagnosed with a very serious illness. Many people who you thought were some of the closest people to you seem to just disappear. Is it fear of being near someone who is going through a traumatic experience and not wanting that trauma or dare I say "cancer" to brush off on you and your life? Or the fact that you are too afraid to get close to that person because mortality is something that is more realistic. It is very hard anymore to find someone who truly wants to be a support to me besides family and who I feel wants to actually be a true friend. I understand its a hard thing to try to be close to someone who is sick. They aren't necessarily the same person they used to be. They can't go out all the time. There mind is usually on other things now and a lot of times the focus is on trying to just get through the day feeling half decent. I know I am far from the same person then I used to be. Things that used to be important to me before are no longer important. Trying to fit in with others or materialism is one of the last things I worry about and I also realized the top most important things in my life now is God, my Husband & my loving family. I couldn't do anything without those key things in my life. They never let me down.

 I think the thing that hurts the most is seeing the changes in those people who at one point or another in my life I thought truly cared and to just sit back and watch the changes in people amazes me after I got sick. Honestly, I don't really understand most of the time. I always thought before I got sick that the people and friends that surrounded me would be there through thick and thin no matter what,But I really came to the realization that unfortunately can be far from the truth. I have realized that I am not the only one this happens to. I have talked to others in cancer support groups and it seems like this happens to many of us...but still we question why and many times do not understand. A lot of times we don't get the answers either...we just have to realize that it is another hard lesson that must be learned. One thing I have learned talking with others is that usually the people who disappear out of your life or make them selves sparse are ones who don't know how to deal with things. They are typically the ones who just brush off emotions and try to live the "perfect" life on the outside and have for the most part never been through anything truly hard and traumatic in their lives which only makes it easier for them to sit in the background when its time to face something serious and to just pretend its not happening. Also, most of the time these are the people that if God forbid anything were to happen to that person, they would be the first to say or think "wow, I should have been a better friend or I should have done more." I also realized there is nothing I can do about that. I can just be me and keep fighting on. This is something I can not burden myself on worrying about too much so I thought blogging would help to get this topic off my mind a bit. I am a very strong person and if I can get through cancer each and every day, I can also deal with this.

Being only 26, I think has made this experience so much harder for me to deal with. You don't expect at my age to go through something like this. But I also think this experience is causing me to grow up..to realize what is important and what isn't...to not let people take me for granted and to try to live each and every day and moment to the fullest and if that means living those moments with fewer people then I maybe thought would be there to share them with...I am okay with that and life will continue to go on. Here's wishes for a beautiful week and many shared and blessed moments with the ones you love. Until next time....

Fresh air, bright sun and better days...

The smell of the fresh spring air refreshes every part of my body and soul. I love it. I have my Queen Pandora station playing this morning with the window open and just taking it all in. The nicer weather always makes me feel better and is definitely needed.

This week again has been a bit of a bumpy one...not so much for me this time, but for Jon. About two weeks ago Jon started feeling sick, but let it go for a week thinking it was just a basic cold or due to the weather being so up and down that it may have been a sinus infection. I noticed he started getting weaker and just not himself. He came up to me the one day and showed me a massive lump under his right armpit and automatically I was kinda freaked out. I told him he needed to get it checked out right away but stubborn Jon still waited another 3 days or so. So then on Tuesday he comes in from work so weak practically not being able to function...and the lump was much bigger and he just didn't look well at all...so off to the ER we went. We went in and the poor guy has a 101 degree fever...blood pressure was sky high and was just not looking good at all. He got some blood testing done and blood cultures...oh and i thought it was bad getting all the blood work I have to get done but the one needle they used for Jon for the blood cultures was one of the thickest needles I have seen..I had to look away for that one. They also came in and took Jon back for an ultrasound of the armpit to see if he had an abscessed. The ultrasound came back negative for the abscessed but he did have three enlarged 5cm lymph nodes under his armpit which were pressing on his nerves in his armpit which in turn was making his hands and fingers go numb and feel like they were on fire. The Dr gave Jon some IV pain medicine which then brought Jon into" happy lala land." Jon has never had pain medicine before like that so it was kinda funny to watch him. He kept looking at me with this glazed over look and telling me to "take some of this stuff home with us." I was glad this was helping with the pain he was having and also giving us a few laughs to lighten the mood. The Dr came in and told us that this could all be caused from something called Cat scratch fever. I thought this was honestly something made up because i heard the term before but never heard of anyone having it. He said that one of our cats could have scratched him or bit him and caused a bacteria infection to go through Jons lymph node system to his armpit. Jon and i couldn't remember when our cats even tried to scratch or bite us or anything so we are still a bit skeptical on this diagnosis and are still waiting for some of the blood results to see what exactly happened...until then we just wait. They gave Jon some antibiotics, steroids and some painkillers and he is feeling much better now and the lumps under his arm are pretty much completely gone and only a bit of puffiness is left. He is pretty darn close to being back to his good old wacky self. :-) Thank goodness! It was so hard to see Jon going through this and I am so glad he is better...it really is so hard to see your other half feeling so down. I love him so much.

As far as I go, I have been starting to feel somewhat better. Still sleeping quite a bit but getting a little bit more of my energy back. It is a good feeling. lets hope it stays that way for a bit. One of the things that I have been in awe of lately is my hair and the changes that are being made to it due to this chemo. It is not just the hair on my head either..my eyebrows have turned a blondish/white and my leg hair grows in white too(which i'm not complaining about) I have never had a gray hair (that I have seen anyway) and now it is growing in pure white. Also it is getting thinner and thinner. I always said I was an old soul.... :-) Its crazy because I do color my hair but this white hair is the type of hair that when i worked in the salon was a pain in the ass to color. It just doesn't take to color well. So it is what it is. I have been thinking about getting a fun wig. I have always had finer hair but now that its getting finer and finer and harder to style, I am thinking why not get a wig of a style I always wanted but couldn't have. Also with the fatigue it will be so nice to just be able to put on a little makeup and throw on a wig and head out the door. Plus i think i could really have fun with this. Something I am really considering. Well that is all for now my friends, go out and enjoy this beautiful day...until next time.

Hair starting to thin pretty bad...normally i would never take a picture like this but I want my blog to show all the sides of cancer....

Look at those lovely white roots!! ;-)

Live Simply...but love fully...

So it has been a while since I blogged--my last blog I was waiting to get scan results back. Many things have happened since then- Good news is my scans came back perfectly stable which is wonderful! It is always wonderful to hear the words stable :-)

 Also since my last blog my Sister and I went to the much anticipated Justin Timberlake concert together. We drove up to Philly together and stayed overnight. It was so much fun, it always is with my Sister. We laugh so hard practically the whole time. The concert was absolutely amazing and Justin is an awesome performer!! The only things I would have changed were having to deal with bad hand/foot syndrome( so I had to sit several times during the performance) and also that our camera broke right before the concert( so, sorry no pictures!) but other then that it was an amazing memory I will never forget!!! Just sitting here typing this is making me laugh thinking about how fun that night was! Oh my, when the two of us are together...everyone better watch out!

Some other things that have happened- I took a two week break from my chemo due to the hand/foot syndrome that I just mentioned in the paragraph above. Boy, is that a hard side effect to deal with- my hands and feet were on fire and raw and my skin was peeling off .I could barely walk and couldn't do simple things- it was absolutely horrible...but it makes you realize how much you appreciate the little things like use of your hands and feet.The break from the chemo gave my hands and feet enough time to heal over for now-which is a relief. I started back on my chemo this past Monday on a lower dose then I was at (80mg)- we are hoping and praying this works to keep the hand/foot syndrome and other side effects more under control but still be able to control and keep the cancer stable. Always praying that stable and healing are in God's plans for me.

 

 Another happening since last time.. is once again my TSH went completely whack again. I have been feeling extreme tiredness- barely able to get out of bed and once I do get out of bed just wanting to go back into bed and not functioning too well- Well here my last blood work showed that my TSH level was at 148!! My oncology nurse couldn't believe this and said if this was true I could be in big trouble. So we decided to do repeat blood work. I got those results back and still my TSH was 116-a normal TSH can run between 0.4-4.0- so as you can see my TSH was extremely high. When your TSH gets that high you can be at risk of possible coma if it continues to rise. So this is obviously pretty scary- We are thinking this happened because my last TSH results were getting a little too low and I was feeling very anxious and shaky and having heart palpitations- so we took away my cytomel which is a replacement T3 hormone and I was just taking the normal 200mg of synthroid- Well we are thinking taking all that away at the same time probably caused this. So now I am taking the 200mg synthroid plus 4- 5mg of cytomel to help lower my TSH and get it back to normal range- I go see Penn again at the end of the month so we will have a better idea of what is going on then!! Lets hope all goes well and things start to go back to normal and stay that way! I just have to mention, Jon has been absolutely amazing during this time of me dealing with all of these issues- He is right there to help me and has been keeping up with the house and hasn't complained once- I feel terrible about it but he always assures me that he just wants me to feel better and it is such a blessing that I have a Husband like him. He continues to amaze me everyday- He is so strong and I love him so much for going through this with me and being right by my side. He is wonderful.

 

One of the things I gave up for lent is Facebook- I need breaks from that- I get tired of communicating with people only through face book and I admit it can be very addicting and I don't want to hide behind it. It can be a great tool for some of my support groups but I feel is also a very easy way to "check up" on people and keep tabs of what's going on with people instead of just asking the actual person- and like I said ....just as guilty here at times!! Plus I figure there are many other ways people can get a hold of us if they really wanted too!! Jon and I have also decided just to take a few hours every day and turn off all media and just spend time talking and doing simple things like playing cards,games, listening to music or just simply talking to each other and spending time together in devotion and prayer more often. Quality time--its a good thing that I think todays world forgets about because of all the hustle and bustle of every day things that we can all get caught up in. I challenge you all to try it--just take at least an hour and just turn off all media- TV's, cell phones,everything and just spend some quality time with the ones you love--actually listen to somebody as they speak and devote all of yourself for that one hour to another person or persons....Until next time my friends.