Sometimes cancer can be a very lonely place. I often wonder what switch is turned on in some people when someone is diagnosed with a very serious illness. Many people who you thought were some of the closest people to you seem to just disappear. Is it fear of being near someone who is going through a traumatic experience and not wanting that trauma or dare I say "cancer" to brush off on you and your life? Or the fact that you are too afraid to get close to that person because mortality is something that is more realistic. It is very hard anymore to find someone who truly wants to be a support to me besides family and who I feel wants to actually be a true friend. I understand its a hard thing to try to be close to someone who is sick. They aren't necessarily the same person they used to be. They can't go out all the time. There mind is usually on other things now and a lot of times the focus is on trying to just get through the day feeling half decent. I know I am far from the same person then I used to be. Things that used to be important to me before are no longer important. Trying to fit in with others or materialism is one of the last things I worry about and I also realized the top most important things in my life now is God, my Husband & my loving family. I couldn't do anything without those key things in my life. They never let me down.
I think the thing that hurts the most is seeing the changes in those people who at one point or another in my life I thought truly cared and to just sit back and watch the changes in people amazes me after I got sick. Honestly, I don't really understand most of the time. I always thought before I got sick that the people and friends that surrounded me would be there through thick and thin no matter what,But I really came to the realization that unfortunately can be far from the truth. I have realized that I am not the only one this happens to. I have talked to others in cancer support groups and it seems like this happens to many of us...but still we question why and many times do not understand. A lot of times we don't get the answers either...we just have to realize that it is another hard lesson that must be learned. One thing I have learned talking with others is that usually the people who disappear out of your life or make them selves sparse are ones who don't know how to deal with things. They are typically the ones who just brush off emotions and try to live the "perfect" life on the outside and have for the most part never been through anything truly hard and traumatic in their lives which only makes it easier for them to sit in the background when its time to face something serious and to just pretend its not happening. Also, most of the time these are the people that if God forbid anything were to happen to that person, they would be the first to say or think "wow, I should have been a better friend or I should have done more." I also realized there is nothing I can do about that. I can just be me and keep fighting on. This is something I can not burden myself on worrying about too much so I thought blogging would help to get this topic off my mind a bit. I am a very strong person and if I can get through cancer each and every day, I can also deal with this.
Being only 26, I think has made this experience so much harder for me to deal with. You don't expect at my age to go through something like this. But I also think this experience is causing me to grow up..to realize what is important and what isn't...to not let people take me for granted and to try to live each and every day and moment to the fullest and if that means living those moments with fewer people then I maybe thought would be there to share them with...I am okay with that and life will continue to go on. Here's wishes for a beautiful week and many shared and blessed moments with the ones you love. Until next time....
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