Yes, I have a terminal cancer...but isn't life itself essentially terminal?

If you read my post title you may be asking..."what does she mean?" Well if you really think about life isn't it techniquely terminal by the definition- We are dying every single day. Every single one of us. Not one of us knows when we are going to die...it could be at any time, at any moment--so therefor isn't life terminal then as well....we should all live as if we were dying because we are.

.
This blog this morning, is not to be down or to have a negative tone to it that is not my intention by any means. One of my goals in life is to be an advocate for Medullary thyroid cancer. There is not much talk about this rare cancer. When many of us hear the word thyroid cancer, the words "good, easy & curable" might come to mind. To be honest before I was diagnosed this is what I thought of thyroid cancer too. I was absolutely one of those people that was ridiculous and thought "well, I guess if I would ever get cancer, thyroid cancer is the one to get." Wrong!!! First off, how naïve of Me and media to think. I had no idea that there were 4 different types of thyroid cancer and that 2 out of the 4 can be/are essentially terminal cancers. I just happen to have one of them.

I never imagined in my life that I, Kristin Nicole MacFarland would be diagnosed at 23 with terminal cancer. This can be a very scary and overwhelming thought for me. To this day, I still cringe when I hear that word. It is not the greatest word to hear, especially in a cancer diagnosis. Granted, when I thought of terminal cancer before my diagnosis I was naïve again and thought that the word terminal meant a Dr. telling you that you have 6 months to live and that was it, which a lot of the times that is what it means but in my case I guess you can call my cancer a very slow terminal cancer. I can live many, many years with my cancer before I start having any major problems. So I guess that is a good thing..right?
Jon and I are very aware what the word terminal means, we are in no denial, although it is hard for that word to escape our mouths at times and its weird--I can say it and be fine but when Jon uses the word terminal it hits me 1000 times harder and I get very sad. He doesn't use it much unless I talk about it first. So I guess in a way, I am still in denial but I think that is very normal. Jon & I have already had to have some pretty hard conversations...not a conversation I expected to have in our first 2 years of marriage. They are topics no couple at the age of 25 should have to talk about together but we are very realistic and are very real about the fact that our life as a married couple right now on Earth could be possibly cut shorter then we would like, but that is life. If anything, it taught us to laugh more, not fight so often, hug and kiss each other a million times a day and we say the words " I love you" more then we can count. It really cemented our relationship and opened our eyes.

When you are a kid/teenager you have all of these dreams and goals for yourself. I imagined having a fabulous career ....the perfect little family with Jon...the white picket fence...the whole 9 yards...that dream did not turn out quite like I imagined, but I am okay with that. I don't think I would really appreciate who I have in my life & what I truly have if this cancer didn't happen. So I am very thankful for it. My reality now is fighting the fight of my life, having to leave my career as a hairstylist (which I feel I could have excelled in) due to my sickness and complications from my major cancer surgery last December. Living pretty much paycheck to paycheck or opening unwanted credit cards just to get by at times and knowing that I can't help Jon out much financially at all right now except for the little I get through disability which we are very grateful for. I am very very blessed that I have an amazing Husband that would go to the ends of the Earth and backwards for me to make sure I was ok and happy. He takes his role as a Husband and the definition of a man very seriously and I couldn't imagine having a husband who didn't take on that supporting and providing role. I am very fortunate to have found a wonderful man and husband who is an extremely hard and dedicated worker and will do whatever he needs to do for us. He reminds me very much of my Dad, which is something I admire. My Dad is also a very hard worker and would do whatever he had to to provide for his family, it is very admirable and a wonderful quality and I feel blessed that I have men like that in my life.

Another thing we are faced with that I don't talk about much, is the fact that Jon and I may never get a chance to have the family we have always wanted. This kills me because I know how much Jon always wanted a child(preferably a little boy..so the MacFarland name can live on). It kills me that I probably can't do that for Us. I may never know what it is like to be a Mother...to give birth and to have those little special moments with a Daughter or Son. I know Jon and I would be wonderful parents. But hey, You never know...God is good and there is always still hope and many options...we never know what the future could bring us. I guess for now we will just be happy with our furry kids...sometimes I think they act just like kids anyways... :-) Those things that I just listed bring me down sometimes, I feel like a failure at times but then Jon reminds me that this is God's plan for us and to keep my head up. He always lifts me right back up when I am down. I love him more than anyone could ever know. My biggest fear is not of death for me but of leaving the people I love before my time. One thing that always comforts me is no matter what, We will all be together again with no more pain, hurt, tears or sadness. It will all be taken away from us and we will be made new again when we all meet one day in Heaven.

On another note...tomorrow is Halloween- I love Halloween and am excited to pass candy out to all the kids in the neighborhood...this will be another first for Jon and I ...we never did this together so I am excited to make another memory. Also, this weekend we are going away for our 2 year anniversary on which is on November 5th( wow, time flies) Can't believe it is 2 years already...crazyyy!! We are going to go to Rehobeth/Dewey beach and take Indy with us to see the beach for the first time. I am so excited to see her reaction. It is going to be so relaxing for us!! I can't wait to get away...boy do we need it!!!

Until next time......