I haven't blogged in quite a while....nothing too new or exciting here to blog about. I was hoping my next blog would be a little bit more cheerier but not sure if I can give you that quite yet....I had a 2 week "vacation" from my former new chemo that I was on. I needed a break from everything...the break from the chemo gave me a physical break but mentally, I have been a complete wreck these past 2 weeks. After my last Dr. Appointment, I pretty much sunk into a confused and deep depression. All I wanted to do was sleep and lay in bed pretty much all day. I felt like I had no control anymore and felt completely overwhelmed and powerless. At times it was really bad, I wouldn't shower all day and just lay in bed all day and night. My Husband expressed his concern but I would just either lash out by crying or screaming at him. He understood at first but then one person can only take so much and he also started getting distant from me.I tend to really push people away when I get depressed and I have to admit...I have had some depressed episodes but this has been one of the worst I have had in a while. It was admittedly a bit scary for me to feel that out of control of my emotions. I guess I just kind of lost it when I had this plan in my head that I really felt like could work but then "BAM" with my last appointment I realized that the reality was that I can't do the "plan" I had quite like I had dreamed up in my head and it really crushed me. I originally wanted to stay on the lowest dose of the chemo...which I myself secretly went on a very low dose of only 40mg without consulting any Drs...and yes, I know this is a big no, no. But I was scared of this drug for some reason. I was tired of being tired and not feeling well so I did what I thought would work. Well honestly in the long run my plan probably would not have worked like I had hoped for. I would not have been "cured" by just doing juicing and healthier things and taking a ton of special supplements. I am not saying that I am still not going to Juice and live a healthier life but I need to come to the realization that unless God wants me to be fully healed someday...that this cancer is not going away and I thought I accepted that....but turns out I didn't and still fully don't because I do hate it so very, very much. I still have much hope that if God wants to heal me some day that He will and I trust fully in Him...but I am human and get moments of sorrow and pain and just want to give up. I know that if God doesn't heal me that is okay....whatever he uses me for on this Earth, I know will be a wonderful thing and I know he has a plan for everything. I just need to always remember that, but some days are harder then others.
So to keep you all up to speed on things....I am slowly fighting this depression and starting to get back to my old self again. Jon and I will be seeing a cancer therapist very soon and also are looking into other forms of therapy to help us both. This is not easy at all for us or for our relationship and marriage at times. This all can be a huge burden but no matter how hard it gets we will continue to make it through everything and won't quit. I started a new lower dose of my newest chemo yesterday so I am hoping and praying the side effects are kept more minimal this time. So with all this I am hoping things will start to turn and around and go up from here. I thank all my family and friends for continuing to support me in my very up and down moments. It means so much to me..
On another note...time is flying, I can't believe Christmas is over and now it's almost New Years. I hope everyone had a very blessed and Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New year filled with love, hope and joy. God bless all of you. Until next time...
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