Thank You

The support I am being shown simply amazes me. First I was surprised today with flowers that were delivered to me from my friends Corey and Kristin. They lifted my spirits immediately and were so beautiful. About a half hour ago my Sister and Brother in Law stopped over because they said they had something for me. I opened the card which read that every week starting the first day of my chemo(which is today) I will be receiving a "sunshine bag" from someone who I may know or may not know. A" sunshine bag" is something in the bag that will brighten my week. My Sister told me that her and my sister in law came up with this idea. I am soo excited to have something to look forward to each week. This is such an amazing idea and I know will be something I will look forward during the ups & downs of each week & cherish forever. I know I have said it a million times but this is exactly why I continue to stay so strong....it because of my great support team and the many people who have reached out with their support. I am so thankful for all of the many people in my life. You all brighten my days and lift my spirits more then you will know. You have no idea how much the little things mean to Me.

I was dreading this day today and now I am sitting here and can say it was actually a wonderful day and that is because of everyone who supports me and is there for me. I love you all more then you will ever know....Thank You.

Beautiful Flowers from Corey and Kristin

Week 1- Sunshine Bag from Kelli and Jeff <3

Also I decided that I am going to document my "Sunshine Bags" so i can share them with all of you....the picture above is from today(week 1) from my Sister and Brother-in-law...Thank you both soo much :)

Eternal Peace.....

 Today I am all about relaxation, being peaceful and positive energy. I start the chemo tonight and I want to be in the most calm and peaceful state that I can be in. I want my mind and body to be open to the drug as much as possible. I am feeling OK about it. I think I am as ready as I can be about starting it. I have been sleeping much better the past 2 days so that makes me feel better as well. I needed that sleep. I know that if it wasn't for getting those extra couple of hours that I would not be in the state of mind that I need to be to start the chemo,so I am grateful that I was able to rest. I thank God that he is giving me the strength I need to get through this. I can tell that my prayers are being answered because of the calmness that I have been feeling. I have peace of mind for once in a long time. I know that everything will be ok....until next time

Someone please hit the relief valve...

Soo today I'm kinda in an annoyed mood....probably part of it has to do with that I slept HORRIBLE last night but also I want to say ....sometimes peoples opinions need to stay to themselves. I'm just putting all of my faith into God that whatever happens during this journey I am on is for a reason. I am trusting Him that He put me into the right Dr's hands and that things will be OK. To be honest I am totally fucking clueless to a point of what to do and what not to do when it comes to this cancer...whats right and whats wrong? I don't know...I just know that I need to take each day as it comes and just live, breathe and take in every moment. I get so sick and tired of not knowing if the decision I am making about this cancer is the right one or the wrong one...I am just going with the flow and like I said I know that whatever path God puts me on through this is the right one for me..maybe not for others but for ME it is. Do I want to start this Chemo...of course not....who in their right mind would??? I frankly, don't want to do any of this shit....I DON'T WANT CANCER, but with that said I have it, I will deal with it and hell even despite the odds I may even beat it to a pulp. No body wants cancer...no one wants to make these kind of decisions yet alone at any age but at 25!! I don't think so! This is not how I pictured my life at 25...not at all....however this is how my life is supposed to be...this is the way God wants my life to play out so i will be a fair player and play the game to the best of my ability. This past week I have been particularly more stressed out so excuse the bitch fest I just had but I needed to vent....some days I get so frustrated being in this body and dealing with this that I just need to scream, cry, have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old and then after all that is done I go back to dealing with it...putting a smile on my face, moving forward and living again...and with that I sigh a big sigh of relief and I feel better....until next time...

Here we go...

So I got an official start date today of when I will be starting the chemo drug...March 29th and then i'll be having a 2 week follow up appointment in Philly on April 12th....It totally kinda put me in a funk..I really don't want to have to start the drug but I'll do what I have to I guess...After I got off of the phone with my Doctors nurse...I cried a little and got butterflies dancing in my stomach....

Tonight Jon and I are having friends over...My plan for tonight is to just relax, have fun and not think about anything....sounds good to me....till next time...

Please leave a message after the beep.......BEEP!!

Today is one of those days that I wanna shut off my phone and not be bothered.....I am feeling overwhelmed and my brain is going in 5 million different directions....Sometimes I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown one of these days just from stress....AHHHH....I just want to scream. So I am apologizing in advance if I do not answer my phone or answer messages today...please just let me have this day ...some days there is only so much I can take..Thank you all for understanding...until next time....

P.S- PLEASE NO ONE TAKE THIS BLOG PERSONAL...IT IS JUST HOW I AM FEELING TODAY BUT IT IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE OR ANYTHING SPECIFIC JUST NEED TO TAKE A MENTAL HEALTH DAY FOR MYSELF TO KEEP SANE! :)

GOT FAITH?

Today I am having anxiety. It's one of those days that I have been thinking a lot about the cancer and about starting the chemo drug soon. I got a phone call today from Biologics which is the company that makes the chemotherapy I will be starting. They called to set up a time that the drug can be delivered to me. They are so nice to talk to and you can tell they genuinely care, which is refreshing. So just to give you all a little background on the drug that I am going to be starting, the name of the drug is called Caprelsa. It is an oral chemotherapy that I will be taking daily.So it is different from a typical chemotherapy that most people have heard about that is given through an IV. Some of the side effects are the big "d" (diarrhea), sun sensitivity, QT prolongation( which means the change of electrical activity of the heart),blood pressure issues, skin reactions such as rashes,blisters etc, fatigue and several more.

Don't we all wish we would read this on the side of a medication bottle??

 This of course makes me very nervous. Sometimes it gets me frustrated when people say to me "Oh it will be fine, you will be okay." Which I agree no matter what happens I'll make the best out of it but sometimes I just want to be like "okay...well you take it and then lets see how you feel on it...don't worry you will be okay." It's just scary seeing these side effects and thinking some of that stuff could happen to me. I just pray that I am able to stay strong during this and that my body tolerates the drug well. I know that God will never give me anything I couldn't handle. So I guess no matter what happens in the future I will take each day as it comes and be okay with it, not saying I won't be scared or nervous but I will deal with it. I am slowly accepting more and more that this is my life now. My life is different now that I have cancer but I always have to remember that cancer is not my life. I will not let cancer rule my life and control my life. I will control cancer. I will do anything necessary to beat cancer down and make it weak.

 

I love the quote above. Every time I am feeling down I will go back and look at this quote to remember that cancer does affect a lot of things but there are also many many more important things that it wont affect in my life and that I won't allow it to affect. I woke up this morning and just thanked God that I am here today, that I have a wonderful family and support system and that I am living and breathing. Despite everything, I am very thankful. Through all of this, I have never been angry towards God. I know when somethings happen in peoples lives that they may turn their backs away from God but I feel that if anything, he is giving me this cross to carry and I am more the willing to carry it for Him. I know that His will and my will may not always be the same, however I am learning to live my life through faith and trust in Him. With that said, I'll end this post with a quote...till next time...

The simple things in life ...make the best of memories!

So yesterday was such a great day. As I talked about in my previous post...My sister and Brother-in-law "kidnapped" us at around 7:30am yesterday morning. I saw on their GPS that it was going to be about a 3 hour drive...so 3 hours later and we were at Ocean City Maryland. I love the beach so I was very excited and I was never at the beach during off season so it was such a cool experience. It even started to snow at one point which was really neat!

A picture I took yesterday on my camera!

The beach with incoming snow clouds

Kelli and I

Kelli, Me and Jon

Jon, Me and Jeff

Jeff and Kelli

Ferris Wheel

The first thing we did was walked straight out to the beach...for all of you who haven't been to the beach when it was still chilly out...I still had the mentality that it would be like walking out in the summer but obviously I was wrong...lol. The sand was freezing and my feet kept cramping up but it was worth it. The ocean looked soo beautiful and it was so serene to just hear the waves crashing. I love that sound. It is soo peaceful. I could sit and watch the ocean all day. We only stayed out on the beach for like 10 minutes and took some pictures and stuff but then hurried back to the boardwalk because it was really windy out by the ocean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the torture device

Kelli sitting on the torture chair that had spikes coming out...lol oh my!

The boys didn't mind the torture chair too much!

Jeff looking comfy in the torture chair

Lady Gaga picture made out of puzzle pieces

Me and Lizard Man lol

Me on the life size piano

After getting back to the boardwalk, we decided to go to Ripley's Believe it or Not. Jon and I have been to a Ripley's before in Atlantic City and thought it was neat but Kelli and Jeff were never in one so we decided to check it out! Here are a few pics of what we saw and just being silly!

Jon with Megladon jaws in background

 After Ripleys, We went and ate lunch at De Lazy Lizard...It was a really neat and chill place. They had reggae music playing and of course everyone was dressed up in their St. Pattys day gear. We had a good lunch, a few drinks and a lot of laughs!

Sisters at De Lazy Lizard

Who knows what he's doing!

The boys making dumb faces for the camera lol

The last activity we decided to do is go indoor mini golfing.(sorry forget to take pics of that!)..that was fun..we made a bet that if the girls won then the husbands would have to give us a massage and if the boys won that we would have to give them one....in the end the boys won...I believe the combined scores were 74 to 86..so we weren't too far off of winning!!( I still have yet to give my hubby his massage, maybe he'll forget lol)

All in all I had a wonderful time and I loved making all of the memories that we did...it's moments like yesterday that I will never forget and always cherish! Thank You Kelli and Jeff for making it such a great day for us!! It was soo nice to have a day to just have fun and forget about the real world for a little while! We love you guys soo much! Thank You!! Till next time...... :)