Yes, I have a terminal cancer...but isn't life itself essentially terminal?

If you read my post title you may be asking..."what does she mean?" Well if you really think about life isn't it techniquely terminal by the definition- We are dying every single day. Every single one of us. Not one of us knows when we are going to die...it could be at any time, at any moment--so therefor isn't life terminal then as well....we should all live as if we were dying because we are.

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This blog this morning, is not to be down or to have a negative tone to it that is not my intention by any means. One of my goals in life is to be an advocate for Medullary thyroid cancer. There is not much talk about this rare cancer. When many of us hear the word thyroid cancer, the words "good, easy & curable" might come to mind. To be honest before I was diagnosed this is what I thought of thyroid cancer too. I was absolutely one of those people that was ridiculous and thought "well, I guess if I would ever get cancer, thyroid cancer is the one to get." Wrong!!! First off, how naïve of Me and media to think. I had no idea that there were 4 different types of thyroid cancer and that 2 out of the 4 can be/are essentially terminal cancers. I just happen to have one of them.

I never imagined in my life that I, Kristin Nicole MacFarland would be diagnosed at 23 with terminal cancer. This can be a very scary and overwhelming thought for me. To this day, I still cringe when I hear that word. It is not the greatest word to hear, especially in a cancer diagnosis. Granted, when I thought of terminal cancer before my diagnosis I was naïve again and thought that the word terminal meant a Dr. telling you that you have 6 months to live and that was it, which a lot of the times that is what it means but in my case I guess you can call my cancer a very slow terminal cancer. I can live many, many years with my cancer before I start having any major problems. So I guess that is a good thing..right?
Jon and I are very aware what the word terminal means, we are in no denial, although it is hard for that word to escape our mouths at times and its weird--I can say it and be fine but when Jon uses the word terminal it hits me 1000 times harder and I get very sad. He doesn't use it much unless I talk about it first. So I guess in a way, I am still in denial but I think that is very normal. Jon & I have already had to have some pretty hard conversations...not a conversation I expected to have in our first 2 years of marriage. They are topics no couple at the age of 25 should have to talk about together but we are very realistic and are very real about the fact that our life as a married couple right now on Earth could be possibly cut shorter then we would like, but that is life. If anything, it taught us to laugh more, not fight so often, hug and kiss each other a million times a day and we say the words " I love you" more then we can count. It really cemented our relationship and opened our eyes.

When you are a kid/teenager you have all of these dreams and goals for yourself. I imagined having a fabulous career ....the perfect little family with Jon...the white picket fence...the whole 9 yards...that dream did not turn out quite like I imagined, but I am okay with that. I don't think I would really appreciate who I have in my life & what I truly have if this cancer didn't happen. So I am very thankful for it. My reality now is fighting the fight of my life, having to leave my career as a hairstylist (which I feel I could have excelled in) due to my sickness and complications from my major cancer surgery last December. Living pretty much paycheck to paycheck or opening unwanted credit cards just to get by at times and knowing that I can't help Jon out much financially at all right now except for the little I get through disability which we are very grateful for. I am very very blessed that I have an amazing Husband that would go to the ends of the Earth and backwards for me to make sure I was ok and happy. He takes his role as a Husband and the definition of a man very seriously and I couldn't imagine having a husband who didn't take on that supporting and providing role. I am very fortunate to have found a wonderful man and husband who is an extremely hard and dedicated worker and will do whatever he needs to do for us. He reminds me very much of my Dad, which is something I admire. My Dad is also a very hard worker and would do whatever he had to to provide for his family, it is very admirable and a wonderful quality and I feel blessed that I have men like that in my life.

Another thing we are faced with that I don't talk about much, is the fact that Jon and I may never get a chance to have the family we have always wanted. This kills me because I know how much Jon always wanted a child(preferably a little boy..so the MacFarland name can live on). It kills me that I probably can't do that for Us. I may never know what it is like to be a Mother...to give birth and to have those little special moments with a Daughter or Son. I know Jon and I would be wonderful parents. But hey, You never know...God is good and there is always still hope and many options...we never know what the future could bring us. I guess for now we will just be happy with our furry kids...sometimes I think they act just like kids anyways... :-) Those things that I just listed bring me down sometimes, I feel like a failure at times but then Jon reminds me that this is God's plan for us and to keep my head up. He always lifts me right back up when I am down. I love him more than anyone could ever know. My biggest fear is not of death for me but of leaving the people I love before my time. One thing that always comforts me is no matter what, We will all be together again with no more pain, hurt, tears or sadness. It will all be taken away from us and we will be made new again when we all meet one day in Heaven.

On another note...tomorrow is Halloween- I love Halloween and am excited to pass candy out to all the kids in the neighborhood...this will be another first for Jon and I ...we never did this together so I am excited to make another memory. Also, this weekend we are going away for our 2 year anniversary on which is on November 5th( wow, time flies) Can't believe it is 2 years already...crazyyy!! We are going to go to Rehobeth/Dewey beach and take Indy with us to see the beach for the first time. I am so excited to see her reaction. It is going to be so relaxing for us!! I can't wait to get away...boy do we need it!!!

Until next time......

think there may be some new beginnings just around the corner....

I have been having a couple really, really good days.....I feel like maybe my hormones are possibly starting to normalize again but i'm crossing my fingers and toes because whenever I say that they go wack again.....so i'm just grateful for these couple of good days...lol. I have had more energy and actually am able to wake up at a decent time and fall asleep at a decent time....its been so nice to have some balance. God is wonderful and he makes himself known to me on a daily basis. Its so great to live your life like this and know that you always have someone by your side in Jesus Christ. It's amazing!! Jon and I went to church yesterday....we go to Cornerstone Baptist church in Lititz and I am in love with this church!! The fellowship and the welcoming feeling is incredible. It is a very small church and only about 20-30 people come for each service but it is such a family atmosphere....everyone knows your name and always asks how you are doing and are genuinely concerned. It's a wonderful feeling. I love our Pastor....He always has such beautiful, meaningful messages that are so relatable...I feel Cornerstone is right where We belong. Its a great feeling!!Next week Cornerstone is having a potluck that I am excited to go to and have fellowship...it's going to be great!!
On another note: I have some bigger news to share....that happened fairly quick, over the weekend...but i'm not getting too excited yet because it is ALL still in the works. Well we have decided a while ago that this house we are in just isn't for us, it doesn't fit our personalities and we can't make it feel like a home for us. So we had a goal that in about 5 years we were gonna look for a house of our dreams- A little detached brick house that we have always wanted. Just one floor because right now our house is too much for me at times especially with my health...the stairs are a bit narrow and cleaning and just doing laundry and taking it up and down 2 sets of stairs is getting difficult for me to keep up with. So our "dream" house would ideally have a bathroom/laundry room on the first floor so it is easier for us later on. Well, God is good and must have been planning this all out while we were dreaming up our future...On Saturday it was just a typical day....I was complaining about our current house to Jon because I am human and do that.. but just kinda brushed it aside and kept going on with my day. I checked my email like normal and I still get emails from my realtor on houses for sale but I never looked at it because we knew we weren't ready to look yet....well today was different because I accidently clicked on the wrong email and up came one of those emails from our realtor with a adorable all brick cape cod for sale. The first thing I thought of was this is soo adorable but I bet its out of our price range. So I kept scrolling and reading and the more I read the more intrigued and excited I was...it was IN our price range and every single thing we have been looking for in our "dream" home. I showed Jon instantly and he loved it as well. It is a detached all brick cape code home with a cute little yard and has so much charm. It has a bathroom and laundry room on the first floor, a nice open floor plan and 2 charming little bedrooms upstairs...I knew instantly that this could be our new home. We contacted our realtor pretty fast and she was kind enough to treat us to dinner and talk with us last night. She also set up a showing of this house. As soon as we walked into the house last night I could already see us living in it....it felt like a home and it wasn't even ours yet. I could see the rest of our lives in this house. It needs a little updating in certain areas but all in all its everything we could want and have ever talked/dreamed about. I feel like God showed us this house and lead us here for a reason....I am not getting my hopes up...well actually i'm gonna be honest and I am because that's how I am...but there is a lot of steps we still have to take but I have a very good feeling about this home. I ask all of you reading this to pray for us, that this is the right path God wants us to take. I have prayed about this since I saw the home and I keep getting good signs.....I hope and pray this will be our home and everything with selling our current house goes smoothly. We are planning on fixing up our current house properly before selling it ....our house now is a very cute house but it is just not for us...its not our dream....but I am sure there is someone out there who would absolutely love our current home...so I have high hopes for it and for our future home...wherever that may be( although, I am hoping this one will be it!!) We will follow whatever God's will is...weather it is this home or another one.....Until next time my friends....


I am going to post pictures of our current home if anyone knows anyone interested...please contact Jon or I- my email is kns2104@hotmail.com! Thank You! It is a 2  bedroom but with finished attic that could be a loft area or another bedroom-1 bathroom- semi detached home in Ephrata, PA- fenced in private adorable back yard- granite countertops- double sinks-( all appliances will be included except for dryer)Fridge,stove,washer,air conditioning unit all included. (We will be putting in new carpet upstairs and fixing a few things right that the last people just patched)

 

 

 

Details of pic from top to bottom: FYI-These are pictures from when we bought the house so we changed a few things such as paint colors and flooring--Front of house, Kitchen, Bathroom( I will take more pictures of double sink vanity later) Living room/dining room area- It no longer is carpet because we put in would laminate flooring all downstairs- Bottom picture is a glimpse of the fenced back yard--- I will take more pics later!! Also....we will be living like literally 30 seconds down the street from this current house...so if you really like Jon & I....we will pretty much be neighbors....that is a huge plus..right?? lol  Thanks!

This girl belongs in the looney bin.......

I am so damn looney lately....my hormones are completely out of whack once again but this time they are the complete opposite!! A few posts ago, I wrote about being hypothyroid ....well now my TSH( thyroid stimulating hormone) decided to go the complete opposite direction and I am now what you call hyperthyroid.....I thought hypo was bad but this is absolutely horrible!! I'm sweating like a big fat pig all the time...I'm shaky....super dizzy and totally out of it most of the time....no appetite...headaches...blurred vision....more hair loss then when I was hypo....and my anxiety and depression is through the roof....my anxiety is awful....all I do is think about things( in particular this stupid ass cancer)and worry and freak out...my emotions are ALL over the place. One day I'm sad, the next I'm happy and all smiles, the next I'm crying all day...and the next I am one angry bitch with a bad attitude. I can't control my emotions at all when I am like this....

my poor ,poor husband!!!Thank God he took his vows seriously and agreed to "..for better or worse." I'm going to be honest its pretty bad and I feel I have absolutely no control over my mind, feelings, emotions or how I feel when I'm in this hyper state....at least when I was hypo....yeah I gained weight like a heffer cow ,but at least I was somewhat more in control of my emotions....ey yi yi.....My Hubby has been absolutely wonderful.....he has been there to comfort me...give me extra back rubs or foot massages...helped me clean the house....taken the wrath of Kristin and still loves me more then ever....I am so very very very( I could repeat very another 100 more times if you would like!) lucky to have a man like him. Last night I was crying because I felt so bad for him and I was legit sobbing and he was laughing at me because of the things I was saying....imagine me ....curled up in fetal position. Crying my eyes out...throwing a tantrum like a little baby and pouting my bottom lip out....yes it was that bad....haha we got a few laughs out of it though because I was being pathetic..

Hubby kept looking at me with my pouty little childish look and kept saying "babe, I can't even look at you because I want to laugh with that cute look you have on your face." I would look up say.." you think i'm cute??" Then I would just fold my arms and bat my eyelashes at him haha. Gosh do I love this man more then life....he is my world....Thank you soo much Lord for this wonderful man you brought into my life!!!

 Any who....just wanted to let y'all know what's goin' on right now in this world of mine....hope you are all having a wonderful and beautiful day and aren't going at crazy as I am :-P Until next time....

 

 

 

Cancer REALLY doesn't know who its messing with......

So I had my Dr. appointment in Philly yesterday....It wasn't good news. I had a feeling that God was preparing me for this, because I just had this feeling it wasn't going to be the best news I wanted to hear. When I heard the nurse say "well, Kristin its not what we wanted to see..." My heart dropped and I just started to cry.....they told me that the chemo that I have been on for only 7 months( but I am still blessed it lasted for at least 7 months...thank you Lord!) is no longer working. This stupid pesky cancer outsmarted it and I now have several more liver lesions and also a lesion by my spine that grew a little bit( I was a bit annoyed because I didn't even know about this bone lesion...so that was a bit by surprise) The thing that sucks is it worked and shrunk for some lesions( my neck and lungs) but not for all of them. My cancer is super dooper weird.....it is such a freakin oddball which makes it even harder to treat.....ughhh this cancer is really pissing me off...I was going to compromise with it and let it live in my body if it stops acting up and growing but now that its being ornery and doing what it wants to do....screw that!!!! This cancer is going to get one hell of a fight...I'll tell you that.....I am a bit down about the news obviously but if anything I am ready to fight it even harder and staying super positive about all of this and most of all have more and more faith.....Hmm....So...have I told you yet how much I HATE this cancer!!! Its starting to bring out the big green hulk inside of me and doesn't realize what/ who its dealing with ;-)

 I have such a wonderful support system though and since my news have had an out pouring of family and friends there to comfort me.....I thank God also that I have my amazing Hubby and Parents with me at my appointments...although I know it is stressful and tense and emotional for all of them as well...it means so much that they are by my side to receive any news that is coming....its nice to all cry, smile, laugh and vent our frustrations to each other...I have to admit other patients probably hate us when we come in because all we do is laugh so hard at each other while we are waiting.....they are little memories that I will always take with me and cherish. The best part of yesterday is when Jon all of a sudden broke the silence and says randomly" So I have a fun fact of the day for all of you...." We all lost it ...my Dad was almost in tears from laughing so hard....we must have all broke out laughing for like 5 minutes.....That's one thing about Jon that is absolutely wonderful...he knows just when to make us all laugh...That is one of the many things that have made me fall soo in love with Jon is  his amazing sense of humor...

On another note, its funny how some people are reacting after this last scan result....this is from people that don't personally  know me or know anything about my actual cancer itself they just know of me and know I am the girl with cancer....but more people are acting like I am just this poor girl dying...which yes I am, we all are...but...I am still alive!! I am still breathing and here just like all of you....I have seen people saying ..." Some ashame, cancer takes people so young" ..... but it hasn't taken me yet....and I'm not saying this to point everyone out or to be a bitch but its funny being the cancer patient and seeing how people react, I get all types of reactions...most people don't know what to say which is completely understandable....a lot of people start saying well you need to completely go on this or that type of food diet and you will be cured.....yes that will help....but my cancer isn't like other cancers...it is genetic...I was born with it already programmed in my system....and no I will not be cured from all these treatments or eating this special food unless God decides for me that He is going to heal me. I just always have to laugh when people who don't really know me sometimes assume things without knowing the full and real story of my cancer journey...and I know its because of being naïve and not really looking at my journey itself but because of all the hype around cancer in general especially in media and other ways. I am always open for questions, comments, advice ....anything ...I just ask you please ask me personally about it and talk to me personally and I will be open and tell you anything you need/want to know...I am ALWAYS open to any type of suggestions for coping, treatment ideas...good advice. Whatever.... BUT never just assume you know somebody's personal cancer journey just because you knew someone going through cancer because there is a whole spectrum of cancer in this world and not one persons journey is the same, please always keep this in mind.......until next time

It ain't over till its over.....

Having some more difficult days again.....I've been in quite a bit of pain lately physically....I feel like my bones are going to break and like I am 90 years old. Of course I automatically think ..."What if the cancer went to my bones?" I try my hardest not to think this way but it is so hard at times dealing with all the pains....I get days where I am so mad about all of this and think I should not be feeling this way at 25 years old. It makes me sad, I cry and some days I just don't understand why God felt I was strong enough to handle this cancer...honestly some days I don't feel strong at all. I trust in Him though and like I've always said I will continue to keep truckin' along and keep going through this. Some days I get moments of pure fear of what could possibly be in my future...I am tired already from all of this and I just want it all gone and to be healthy again....I would give up anything to just be healthy and to be healed. I still have faith that in time God will heal me if its in His will and I know I need to be patient...it will all be in good time and when He decides is the right time....

Some days I get that little devil on my shoulder creeping into my mind...making me feel hopeless and that this cancer is just going to take over soon....whenever that happens I instantly start to pray to our Lord for comfort and positive thoughts and feelings...that always helps. Since being diagnosed I have absolutely been in a spiritual war as well between God and the Devil.....some days I just feel this bad presence around me....trying to make me give up and just let the cancer take over .....I believe that is the devil trying to get at me....many times I will tell Jon I have some anxiety and fears that won't leave so we will stop whatever we are doing/ wherever we are and just start praying. All the fear and anxiety just leaves my body instantly and I can start fighting again. God is very powerful and they say the more you believe in him the more negative things can happen to try to persuade you to not  believe in Him....Boy has this been truer then ever ...especially when dealing with this cancer ....but I will never ever stop believing in My savior....he keeps me going and keeps me strong....he has been so present in my life and if anything I have the deepest faith I have ever felt since getting sick. I could never deny my Lord ....He has changed me into a much better person....he has taught me to stand up for myself....live a more Christian life and treat people with kindness, love and compassion like He does. My life is forever changed. God has opened my eyes and I am forever thankful. Life is so so short and I want to live the best life I can until God decides to take me to be with him for eternity whenever that may be. I of course want to be around for a long, long time and would love to be able to sit on a front porch in our old wooden rocking chairs with my husband when we are old and gray.....I have so many dreams and goals and truly feel that God won't be taking me anytime soon but when that time comes I will know and I will be ready....but it ain't over till its over so until then I plan to live every day to the fullest......until next time......

 

 

 

 

Government Shutdown......Plain insanity.....

I am so upset about this government shut down....it is honestly a bunch of crap and it makes me so very angry.....This shutdown directly effects me and sooo many other people....

- The government has decided to stop taking new patients for clinical trials for cancer research and NIH (National Institutes of Health) due to this government shut down. SOOO many people rely on these clinical trials for there next cancer treatment options when all options they have no longer work and their body is resistant to the drugs they have taken thus far. This is going to likely be in my future at some point due to the rarity of my cancer and I may need one of these clinical trials in the future....I know of people now who are trying to get on these clinical trials as their next option and can now not get into one due to this government shut down. This is COMPLETELY unacceptable! They need to stop this arguing and realize they have peoples lives in their hands....come on stop being selfish ...work whatever it is out and get your shit together because people are getting sicker due to not being able to get the next treatment. This NEEDS to stop ....I started a petition that I am going to send to congress. My goal is that all of this ridiculousness ends soon and trials start again ASAP...but you never know anymore so I plan on fighting like hell just incase this shutdown continues. Please everyone who reads this...please click the link below and sign my petition. We all seem to be affected by cancer one way or another and we need to take a stand!  PLEASE PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME ...CLICK THE LINK...AND SIGN. Thank You!

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/302/098/866/support-future-clinical-research-trials-for-all-cancer-patients/#

My heart and prayers are with not only the cancer patients going through this but everyone else who is affected by this government shutdown...lets pray this gets resolved very quickly! Until next time...