Just a bit anxious.....

I am having more anxiety then usual this time before my scans tomorrow...the scans themselves aren't that big of a deal....I usually am in there for about an hour and thirty minutes or so ...Hopefully they can get my vein right away for my IV ...I usually tell them that I need the IV team right away so they don't sit there poking around for a couple minutes. I think its the fact of what these scans will tell me that make me nervous...I have a feeling this week I am gonna need to do a lot to take my mind off of things....I've been trying to be as positive as possible but it is very hard...I think its been even worse lately because several meddies in the past month have passed away from this horrible disease and every time a person from my meddie family passes on I feel a little bit of me dies too. It's crazy that I don't even know these people personally but just sharing our stories and deepest thoughts and feelings about our cancer journeys and knowing I am not alone I feel very close to many of them and the worse thing is when you hear someone's cancer progressed or they are not doing well or someone has passed....it breaks my heart into pieces...I just wish I could take it all away from us and we could all be okay...it scares me how unpredictable this cancer is...everyone who is dealing with it is so different and their are soo many different factors involved so there is almost no way of knowing how it is going to go for me....is it going to stay stable for a while or is it not? There have been meddies who are going on 30 plus years and there are others who's cancer seems to be a lot more aggressive...it is just a very very scary thing at times. I truly do not like the 2 weeks period when I get my scans and then go for my results...actually I hate it....my anxiety soars through the roof and it is hard for me to really shut my brain off....I think I am also more anxious lately because of how sick I have been feeling lately...I am praying it is just my body trying to adjust to a new dose change in my thyroid hormone pill but there are always the "what ifs?" going on in my brain...trust me I try my hardest to shut it off ...I really do but sometimes that seems near impossible. I talk to my husband a lot about the what ifs and he is always so calm about things and says " babe, whatever happens we will get through it and it will all be ok, God will take care of you through this." I love him for constantly reminding me and reassuring me that this is not in my hands and God has a plan for me no matter what happens. I know no matter what everything will be ok but I guess I am still just human and I have my flaws and worries just like any other human. I don't think my age helps either...because sometimes I just sit and think oh man, "I am only 25 and I had all these things I wanted to plan for my future".. and nothing worked out as planned per say but I guess I have to just realize this is my new plan and just because I have cancer doesn't mean I still can't plan my future...I just have to change things around a bit...so this is totally random but I am sitting here with my pup sleeping next to me and she is soo cute and having a little dream and barking in her sleep...I wonder what she is dreaming about?? She looks so peaceful....sometimes I think it would be nice to be a dog where the biggest concern is what toy to play with or which kind of milk bone they like the best...lol....anyways now my mind is wondering off into weird directions....I just continue to ask for Prayer and positive thoughts and energy that I continue to get through this and fight the good fight...till next time....