A moment of faith, strength and change....

Laying in bed...not able to sleep well this morning so decided I will blog instead....I've been having some really great days physically...emotionally not as much. These past few days I have had some anxieties/sadness about the cancer....I feel that mentally I have been stronger then ever to beat this cancer even though that is unheard of for my type of cancer but then I see on my meddie group more and more people passing away and whenever that happens it completely crushes me. There have been quite a few people who passed away from this in the past month and it makes me so distraught whenever this happens. I start to panic and get very emotional. I don't know these people personally but we are all connected unfortunately by this cancer and when someone dies a little part of me dies too. I am very realistic about my cancer and that fact that it is a terminal cancer to a degree but I refuse to accept that in my case. I will do all that I can to beat this and my goal is to be one of the first to go into remission from this cancer....I have so much faith in God and I always pray to him and tell him that whatever is in his plan for me I am ok with but I am going to fight like hell and pray for a miracle to beat this. I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have the faith in God like I do...and a husband who is truly a man of God and has so much faith as well and is constantly reminding me that I can beat this and God is always by my side pulling me through this. I feel it and I know God is there with me...I can feel His presence every step of the way since being diagnosed. I want to share something that I haven't shared with too many outside people of what happened to me a few months into my diagnosis and also explains how I stay so strong and have as much faith as I do.

When I was first diagnosed....I took it very hard...I prayed the hardest I have ever prayed and asked God why everyday....I would sit on my bed and say " Please God, give me a sign that everything will be okay" and I would wait for something to happen ...the lights to flicker...any sort of sign. I would just wait and sit and eventually I felt like I was crazy and lost a little hope at times and was just about to give up. One night, when Jon and I were still at the old apartment I was having a normal evening with my husband just sitting on the couch and watching some T.V when something incredible and amazing happened to me. It was as if someone was sitting right next to me and was whispering in my ear and it was clear as day. It went through me as if someone was literally sitting next to me and was whispering a secret in my ear. Every outside sound just muted and all I could hear was this voice. I know who that voice was and it was God. The voice told me that everything was going to be okay and that there is going to be a point where I am at my lowest and I may even think I am close to death but then when the time is right, I am going to be healed. And with that it was gone and I had the most peaceful/calm feeling wash over me right at that moment. I sat there with a smile on my face and Jon looked over at me and said "What are you smiling, about?" and I told him the most amazing thing just happened to me and I shared the experience I just had with him...for a minute I thought did that really just happen or am I really losing it?? I know, God came to me that day and I hold that day close to my heart and any time I feel that life gets too hard and I want to give up I just go back to that day and I start fighting even harder. This is one of the reasons why I know God is with me and I have so much strength and faith in Him. That day changed my life forever. I started to become a different person after that day. I just wanted to live every day to the fullest and stop complaining about the small things and never take life for granted again.God can sacrifice his Son to die on the cross for us, so I can sacrifice days with pain, and living with this cancer for Him. Like I said before, this is my cross to bear and I will bear this cross with pride and hold it high. I thank God everyday for the life he has given me..the wonderful people he put into my life...my Husband, who I truly believe is an Angel God sent to me...my amazing family who I love so deeply and couldn't ask for a better support system...my wonderful friends Corey & Kristin who have helped lift my spirits, and who have accepted me for who I am, cancer and all. I really can't complain. I have a wonderful life and am truly, truly thankful for everyday that I am here and can spend it with the people I love. I decided to take this little "bump" in the road that is called cancer and turn it into a positive thing. I have my days where I REALLY hate it but then I think about all the good and positive things that have happened from it and believe it or not...some days I am thankful that God gave me this to help change me and to become the person that I am today. I say this a lot...but I am truly blessed...everyone needs to really think about their life and give thanks for what they have...always feel fortunate and know it could be a lot worse. Be Happy, cherish every moment God gives you, and live life to the fullest.....until next time...

***Oh, and I have to mention that I am completely excited for September...I have a little secret surprise that I am doing with the help of my Sister in Law Ronice for Thyroid Cancer awareness month in September and I can't wait to share it with all of you!! So stay tuned in September!! Woot,
woot!!