Just needing to vent....

Some days I feel overwhelming loneliness...I don't understand it...I know I have a lot of people who care about me and love me and support me. I feel like some days I push those people away from me...again I don't understand why...lately I've been doing that to the person who I love the most...my husband. He works so hard to support me, put a roof over my head and give me the best life he can...lately I've been being selfish because he is working a lot and I get lonely and sad and just want to be with him as much as possible. Ever since this cancer I get days where I get so scared of losing him ...there are days where I almost get obsessive and want to be with him as much as I can. I then find myself getting angry and resentful towards him because he does work a lot and is tired a lot and I know that is wrong and terrible for me to feel. I have never been as needy  as I am since having this cancer..I hate that. Some days I feel strong and I can do anything alone and some days I feel all I do is rely on other people and am so codependent. My Husband does so much for me...why do I act the way I do sometimes and push him away...I don't understand the way I am at times and it drives me nuts. Thank God I have someone who loves me like he does...I honestly don't know if I would have ever found anyone if it wasn't for him. He gave me a chance. He tells me he loves me several times a day, is always giving me compliments and I can tell he really does love me with all his heart. I've never had that before. Before Jon, I've never had a boyfriend...or have guys really give me the time of day..I always felt like I wasn't good enough...that I was too fat or ugly or too shy or not popular enough.Jon was the first guy to ever really give me a chance and I am so thankful for that. He is truly my one and only. All of my firsts have been with him and I am so thankful for that and am so happy he was the one God choose to be with me to experience all of that. Every first with him was such a precious moment in my life and I will never ever forget those memories for as long as I live. My brain has been very scattered lately so I am sorry if this blog kinda is all over the place at times. Oh the thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis just exhaust me. I really don't try to complain too much about the cancer but some days I really wish I could just shut my brain off and have a day where I don't think about the cancer at all,  but unfortunately its close to impossible to do. I try my hardest but those thoughts always find a way to creep in. I think the worse thought is thinking that most likely my cancer will never get better....I will never be in remission...It will only get worse. I pray and pray that it won't be for a very long time but I know that day will come eventually...although this is the most likely scenario I still have faith that God can heal me and take this cancer away from me at any point and I truly pray and hope that He does. Whatever His will is I will be okay with it either way. I'm sorry if this blog is a little down tonight...I really do try to be as positive as possible but I feel that when I feel these feelings, blogging about my emotions really helps me to move on and feel better.Like I said I have soo many thoughts that run in my head and I think its only normal that some of those thoughts are negative at times but I also try to look at this cancer realistically as well. Some things I write may be hard for family and friends to read and i'm sorry about that but I just need to let things out at times and this has been a good outlet for me to do that. I really hope my blog does help people but the real reason I started it was for my own sense of peace and to bring a little bit of calmness into my head. It has really helped me to keep moving forward and to keep being strong. Lets just hope tomorrow will be a better day. I continue to ask for prayers of peace and healing. Till next time...