Hear me ROAR......

Wanted to share a quick inspiration song to all of you out their fighting...weather its cancer or any other emotional, mentally or physical disease....I dedicate this to all of the fighters out there to keep on fighting and never give up!!!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=_cMNvevJzdk

until next time.....

A moment of faith, strength and change....

Laying in bed...not able to sleep well this morning so decided I will blog instead....I've been having some really great days physically...emotionally not as much. These past few days I have had some anxieties/sadness about the cancer....I feel that mentally I have been stronger then ever to beat this cancer even though that is unheard of for my type of cancer but then I see on my meddie group more and more people passing away and whenever that happens it completely crushes me. There have been quite a few people who passed away from this in the past month and it makes me so distraught whenever this happens. I start to panic and get very emotional. I don't know these people personally but we are all connected unfortunately by this cancer and when someone dies a little part of me dies too. I am very realistic about my cancer and that fact that it is a terminal cancer to a degree but I refuse to accept that in my case. I will do all that I can to beat this and my goal is to be one of the first to go into remission from this cancer....I have so much faith in God and I always pray to him and tell him that whatever is in his plan for me I am ok with but I am going to fight like hell and pray for a miracle to beat this. I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have the faith in God like I do...and a husband who is truly a man of God and has so much faith as well and is constantly reminding me that I can beat this and God is always by my side pulling me through this. I feel it and I know God is there with me...I can feel His presence every step of the way since being diagnosed. I want to share something that I haven't shared with too many outside people of what happened to me a few months into my diagnosis and also explains how I stay so strong and have as much faith as I do.

When I was first diagnosed....I took it very hard...I prayed the hardest I have ever prayed and asked God why everyday....I would sit on my bed and say " Please God, give me a sign that everything will be okay" and I would wait for something to happen ...the lights to flicker...any sort of sign. I would just wait and sit and eventually I felt like I was crazy and lost a little hope at times and was just about to give up. One night, when Jon and I were still at the old apartment I was having a normal evening with my husband just sitting on the couch and watching some T.V when something incredible and amazing happened to me. It was as if someone was sitting right next to me and was whispering in my ear and it was clear as day. It went through me as if someone was literally sitting next to me and was whispering a secret in my ear. Every outside sound just muted and all I could hear was this voice. I know who that voice was and it was God. The voice told me that everything was going to be okay and that there is going to be a point where I am at my lowest and I may even think I am close to death but then when the time is right, I am going to be healed. And with that it was gone and I had the most peaceful/calm feeling wash over me right at that moment. I sat there with a smile on my face and Jon looked over at me and said "What are you smiling, about?" and I told him the most amazing thing just happened to me and I shared the experience I just had with him...for a minute I thought did that really just happen or am I really losing it?? I know, God came to me that day and I hold that day close to my heart and any time I feel that life gets too hard and I want to give up I just go back to that day and I start fighting even harder. This is one of the reasons why I know God is with me and I have so much strength and faith in Him. That day changed my life forever. I started to become a different person after that day. I just wanted to live every day to the fullest and stop complaining about the small things and never take life for granted again.God can sacrifice his Son to die on the cross for us, so I can sacrifice days with pain, and living with this cancer for Him. Like I said before, this is my cross to bear and I will bear this cross with pride and hold it high. I thank God everyday for the life he has given me..the wonderful people he put into my life...my Husband, who I truly believe is an Angel God sent to me...my amazing family who I love so deeply and couldn't ask for a better support system...my wonderful friends Corey & Kristin who have helped lift my spirits, and who have accepted me for who I am, cancer and all. I really can't complain. I have a wonderful life and am truly, truly thankful for everyday that I am here and can spend it with the people I love. I decided to take this little "bump" in the road that is called cancer and turn it into a positive thing. I have my days where I REALLY hate it but then I think about all the good and positive things that have happened from it and believe it or not...some days I am thankful that God gave me this to help change me and to become the person that I am today. I say this a lot...but I am truly blessed...everyone needs to really think about their life and give thanks for what they have...always feel fortunate and know it could be a lot worse. Be Happy, cherish every moment God gives you, and live life to the fullest.....until next time...

***Oh, and I have to mention that I am completely excited for September...I have a little secret surprise that I am doing with the help of my Sister in Law Ronice for Thyroid Cancer awareness month in September and I can't wait to share it with all of you!! So stay tuned in September!! Woot,
woot!!

Keep on fighting....NEVER GIVE UP!!

I am overwhelmed with the response to my last blog....I have had many people from the thyroid cancer community reach out to me and I am blessed to get a response like that....it feels good to know that I can help others and always remember we needs each others strength to get through this together...if anyone is ever feeling down or just wants to chat about anything..no matter if its a good day or bad day...please feel free to message me or you can email me kns2104@hotmail.com and we can go through the rough and happy times together....that is what it is all about ...sometimes in this world of cancer we can get lonely and feel like we want to give up but please anyone who is reading this blog and ever has that feeling DON'T EVER GIVE UP!! Keep fighting and staying positive and strong. Their are so many people that love you and need you!! Keep your head up and keep on being a warrior...keep the faith...keep hope and keep going...this goes to anyone battling any type of cancer or disease or mental illness...God Bless all of you!

Also I have had questions about how to make comments I believe there is a comment tab under my blogs where you can put the anonymous or I believe you can put your name as well! Thanks again for all the support!

With love, positivity & hope
Kristin MacFarland

Good cancer?!?! I don't think so.......

Do you want to know something that REALLY gets under my skin and makes my blood boil?! When the media and naïve/ignorant people talk about thyroid cancer being the "good" cancer to have. I feel that people group thyroid cancer into one category but their are many different types of thyroid cancer and their names are papillary, follicular, medullary(the type I have) anaplastic and hurthle cell thyroid cancer. Thyroid cancer is not all one big cancer....and just because it may have a lower mortality rate then some other cancers DOES NOT mean its good to have or easy to deal with.... Also I'm sorry but when on Earth is ANY cancer considered "good"?? This is the most absurd and ridiculous thing I think I may have ever heard! Lets go over how "good" this cancer has been to me...Shall we??

***How good is it to go through a 10 hour surgery, have your neck cut from almost earlobe to earlobe, have giant bags hanging from your chest that are just filling up with blood and who knows what else is coming out that you have to drain on a daily basis...not being able to drink a sip of water or eat food without choking and gasping for air days and weeks after surgery...having your face, hands, feet and legs go into painful and severe cramping and tingling that's feels like you are being stabbed with little needles all over your body from lack of calcium due to losing your parathyroids which control the calcium in your blood....enduring countless blood draws and IV sticks all over your body ...your hands, arms and even feet...where you are praying that the phlebotomist gets the vein and doesn't leave you with a giant bruise or painful shocks that radiate down your arm when they make an "opps" and keep jamming the needle over and over again into your arm....
***Countless CT, MRI, Pet Scans and every other type of scan you can imagine where you are constantly being exposed to harmful radiation....
***Unending Dr's appointments where you have to wait and nervously find out if your disease is progressing or stable....
***Chemotherapy and the horrible side effects that can go along with it to worry about such as extreme diarrhea, vomiting, all over body rashes, QT prolongation of the heart, high blood pressure and countless more...
***Not being able to keep your TSH hormone regulated since you now have a missing thyroid due to tumors invading it and going from hypothyroid where you are sleeping all the time, depression, losing hair, body aches where it is hard to even move, weight gain, swelling of the face and body and many more or when your are in a hyperthyroid state where your heart feels like its beating out of your chest, you constantly sweat, insomnia where you can't sleep for days at a time, extreme anxiety and shakiness and several more symptoms....
***The constant thought when you get any ache or pain thinking that the cancer could be progressing and spreading more throughout your body....
**The financial and emotional struggles you and your family suffers with on a daily basis...
*** The fact that at 25 years old ,I have the reality that I may never be able to have my own children now that I am on chemo and feel the joy of being a mother and have that experience which is something I always wanted.

OH! and let me throw some numbers out at you.... 16...that is how many pills I have to take everyday to regulate my body now and essentially keep me alive....112 is how many of those pills I take in a weeks time...448 is how many I have to now take in a month and finally 5,376 is how many of those wonderful pills I take in a years time...and those are just for this "good" cancer I have and doesn't include any over the counter pills or vitamins for every day use....This is all just from my life in the less then 2 years of having this so called "good" cancer.. Here's another number to throw at you 28%...that is what statistics say is the percent chance that I supposedly have to live from this in 5 years....which I never pay attention to or focus on, but still seeing that number is a scary thing!! Many people can have it much worse then I do or better but all in all ...IT IS NOT GOOD!! I didn't write this blog for any type of sympathy or pity but I wanted to raise some awareness to this world of the life struggles someone with thyroid cancer goes through...maybe this blog will make people think the next time the words "good cancer" ever come out of their mouth and if you are around me and I ever hear those words you may just get a smack in the face.... If this is good then I don't even want to know what people would think bad is.....until next time...

Also**** September is Thyroid Cancer awareness month so you will be hearing a lot more from me to keep raising awareness! Oh, and next time your hear anyone say thyroid cancer is the good cancer...direct them to this blog! Thank You!!

Self Love....

 

People need to have more self love....I used to really hate myself but am starting to really love myself and the person I have become...I think that loving yourself is the first step to healing and loving others with all of your heart and soul....enough said....until next time...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hypo, Hyper and other news....

I have been feeling decent lately....I had a couple really, really good days. I got a lot done those days and am very happy about that. I usually have a few really good days then a couple not so great days where I am in pain which is where I am today. Mentally I still feel OK...a little brain fog but physically my body is in pain. It hurts to move around in bed and forget about trying to get out of bed at times...sucks when  you have to pee during the night or the worst is when the dreaded "D" hits lol it takes me quite a few minutes to get going especially during the night or first thing in the morning ...I notice days like this I sleep more often and just take it easy. My whole body just aches and it feels like I  have been hit with a mac truck... So I always allow myself days like that and I am pretty good at knowing when my body really needs rest and when I can do more ...then I usually snap out of it and have a few really good days again when I have all the energy in the world...so those days I really try to take advantage of it ...its quite a process! A lot of this has to do with not just the cancer but most likely my TSH hormone ...which is a pill that I take for the rest of my life(called synthroid) to replace the hormone released by the thyroid which I no longer have in my body....so it doesn't quite work the same as it would if you actually still had the organ in your body...and since mine was removed because of the cancer, it has been a very up and down rollercoaster since then. I go from one extreme to the next....I can go from being in a HYPERthyroid state(When my body is absorbing too much of the thyroid hormone I take) where I am having insomnia, sweating like crazy. heart palpitations, shaking, and decreased concentration and many more symptoms to being in a HYPOthyroid state( when my body isn't absorbing the thyroid hormone I take) which is where I am at now that results in weight gain, hair loss, fatigue, body pain and swelling, extremely dry skin, muscle weakness, slow heart rate, depression, impaired memory...and many more. I have had a hormone adjustment and my TSH is slowly getting to normal but it can take up to 6 weeks to get there and then I usually stay good for a little bit and then it goes all whack again ..either one way or another. To be completely honest with you...it really sucks bad to be yo-yoing back and fourth between the two...I feel at times like I am never "normal" and it gets old fast...but I keep trucking along and doing my best to keep moving forward no matter how I feel that day. One thing I always try to do no matter what i'm feeling is my hair and makeup...that gives me a little boost of confidence and makes me feel a little bit better...this doesn't happen all the time especially on the days when I can't function well but I try my best to still do myself up a bit and have some pride.

Other news:
Jon and I ( def more jon) recently put a new laminate flooring downstairs(thanks to home depot credit lol)....and I was able to score some free paint during an ACE hardware event to paint our kitchen cabinets....just doing these little touches to the house really helped to make the house seem more like a home to me...it isn't much but the little things do make me happy...although I could truly care less if I live in a RV( which by the way Jon and I have talked about several times just picking up with our animals and leaving and being gypsies/ hobos lol...of course this isn't realistic) It is still nice to be able to do a few little things here and there to feel better in your home...especially since I am here quite a bit!! But the recent additions definitely gave it a warmer/ cozier feeling which I do love!

 It  has been very difficult since being diagnosed to have the money to do things or fix things up....so we just try to be satisfied with what we have...we may not have a glamorous lifestyle but it is our life and we are pretty happy with it and there is more love between us then anything materialistic can do for us...of course it would always be nice to have a little extra cash once in a while instead of automatically going to bills..so we can do things together more often or go on little trips and make more memories together but we always make it through no matter what....and God has always provided at our weakest moments or moments when we don't think we are going to have money to get groceries that week or pay this or that bill...so we are very very thankful and gracious and are very thankful for the continued help from our families and friends...from anything from giving us a few groceries to making us a meal or starting fundraisers to help us financially....You all don't realize how much you have helped make a difference in our lives and it seems it is always at the perfect times...Thank You all from the bottom of our hearts...well I guess that is all today...until next time my friends....

My new favorite word is the word stable....

I found out at about 3:30pm the results of my scans for the most part....I was just about to leave the house to head over to my friends house when I decided to check my email one last time before I left....the first email was labeled as "imaging results" from my Dr in Hershey which is the email I have been waiting/looking for....I was a bit apprehensive to click the open button but I did and read it so fast and all I kept seeing were the words stable....I absolutely love this word....I will take the word stable any day. I had such relief and I was literally shaking...I called my parents and Husband right away because I know they have been waiting for the results and were just as anxious as I was and then told my Sister and Brother the good news....I will get more details on Thursday when I have my official results appointment at Penn but I Thank God for continuing to guide me and allowing my body and soul to be open to this Chemo...I will continue to hope and pray to continue to hear the word stable for as long as possible....I was so worried that the way I have been feeling lately was because of the cancer spreading but now I know most likely it was because of my hormones being off....It is soo hard not to worry but I guess all it does is stress you out and give you migraines and stomach ulcers...lol....I am so happy for this part of my story and I know this journey will continue to be an up and down battle for me...but I am just so thankful for this very moment and for the strength that I continue to have.

Acrobats in my stomach....

So my stomach is doing back flips, front flips and all kinds of flips waiting for the results of my scans this week....this is truly the worst part because I hate the wait and I know any day now I will find out the news from my cancer surgeon in Hershey and then the official news in Philly on Thursday...every time the phone rings my stomach drops and I've checked my email countless times...I am praying so hard for good news and the better part of me is really thinking its going to be good this time...there is always a little part that is soo scared and worried but I know whatever the outcome I will continue to fight and make it through and I will just keep living each and every day no matter what...nothing can stop me.

 

 

Just a bit anxious.....

I am having more anxiety then usual this time before my scans tomorrow...the scans themselves aren't that big of a deal....I usually am in there for about an hour and thirty minutes or so ...Hopefully they can get my vein right away for my IV ...I usually tell them that I need the IV team right away so they don't sit there poking around for a couple minutes. I think its the fact of what these scans will tell me that make me nervous...I have a feeling this week I am gonna need to do a lot to take my mind off of things....I've been trying to be as positive as possible but it is very hard...I think its been even worse lately because several meddies in the past month have passed away from this horrible disease and every time a person from my meddie family passes on I feel a little bit of me dies too. It's crazy that I don't even know these people personally but just sharing our stories and deepest thoughts and feelings about our cancer journeys and knowing I am not alone I feel very close to many of them and the worse thing is when you hear someone's cancer progressed or they are not doing well or someone has passed....it breaks my heart into pieces...I just wish I could take it all away from us and we could all be okay...it scares me how unpredictable this cancer is...everyone who is dealing with it is so different and their are soo many different factors involved so there is almost no way of knowing how it is going to go for me....is it going to stay stable for a while or is it not? There have been meddies who are going on 30 plus years and there are others who's cancer seems to be a lot more aggressive...it is just a very very scary thing at times. I truly do not like the 2 weeks period when I get my scans and then go for my results...actually I hate it....my anxiety soars through the roof and it is hard for me to really shut my brain off....I think I am also more anxious lately because of how sick I have been feeling lately...I am praying it is just my body trying to adjust to a new dose change in my thyroid hormone pill but there are always the "what ifs?" going on in my brain...trust me I try my hardest to shut it off ...I really do but sometimes that seems near impossible. I talk to my husband a lot about the what ifs and he is always so calm about things and says " babe, whatever happens we will get through it and it will all be ok, God will take care of you through this." I love him for constantly reminding me and reassuring me that this is not in my hands and God has a plan for me no matter what happens. I know no matter what everything will be ok but I guess I am still just human and I have my flaws and worries just like any other human. I don't think my age helps either...because sometimes I just sit and think oh man, "I am only 25 and I had all these things I wanted to plan for my future".. and nothing worked out as planned per say but I guess I have to just realize this is my new plan and just because I have cancer doesn't mean I still can't plan my future...I just have to change things around a bit...so this is totally random but I am sitting here with my pup sleeping next to me and she is soo cute and having a little dream and barking in her sleep...I wonder what she is dreaming about?? She looks so peaceful....sometimes I think it would be nice to be a dog where the biggest concern is what toy to play with or which kind of milk bone they like the best...lol....anyways now my mind is wondering off into weird directions....I just continue to ask for Prayer and positive thoughts and energy that I continue to get through this and fight the good fight...till next time....