Just needing to vent....

Some days I feel overwhelming loneliness...I don't understand it...I know I have a lot of people who care about me and love me and support me. I feel like some days I push those people away from me...again I don't understand why...lately I've been doing that to the person who I love the most...my husband. He works so hard to support me, put a roof over my head and give me the best life he can...lately I've been being selfish because he is working a lot and I get lonely and sad and just want to be with him as much as possible. Ever since this cancer I get days where I get so scared of losing him ...there are days where I almost get obsessive and want to be with him as much as I can. I then find myself getting angry and resentful towards him because he does work a lot and is tired a lot and I know that is wrong and terrible for me to feel. I have never been as needy  as I am since having this cancer..I hate that. Some days I feel strong and I can do anything alone and some days I feel all I do is rely on other people and am so codependent. My Husband does so much for me...why do I act the way I do sometimes and push him away...I don't understand the way I am at times and it drives me nuts. Thank God I have someone who loves me like he does...I honestly don't know if I would have ever found anyone if it wasn't for him. He gave me a chance. He tells me he loves me several times a day, is always giving me compliments and I can tell he really does love me with all his heart. I've never had that before. Before Jon, I've never had a boyfriend...or have guys really give me the time of day..I always felt like I wasn't good enough...that I was too fat or ugly or too shy or not popular enough.Jon was the first guy to ever really give me a chance and I am so thankful for that. He is truly my one and only. All of my firsts have been with him and I am so thankful for that and am so happy he was the one God choose to be with me to experience all of that. Every first with him was such a precious moment in my life and I will never ever forget those memories for as long as I live. My brain has been very scattered lately so I am sorry if this blog kinda is all over the place at times. Oh the thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis just exhaust me. I really don't try to complain too much about the cancer but some days I really wish I could just shut my brain off and have a day where I don't think about the cancer at all,  but unfortunately its close to impossible to do. I try my hardest but those thoughts always find a way to creep in. I think the worse thought is thinking that most likely my cancer will never get better....I will never be in remission...It will only get worse. I pray and pray that it won't be for a very long time but I know that day will come eventually...although this is the most likely scenario I still have faith that God can heal me and take this cancer away from me at any point and I truly pray and hope that He does. Whatever His will is I will be okay with it either way. I'm sorry if this blog is a little down tonight...I really do try to be as positive as possible but I feel that when I feel these feelings, blogging about my emotions really helps me to move on and feel better.Like I said I have soo many thoughts that run in my head and I think its only normal that some of those thoughts are negative at times but I also try to look at this cancer realistically as well. Some things I write may be hard for family and friends to read and i'm sorry about that but I just need to let things out at times and this has been a good outlet for me to do that. I really hope my blog does help people but the real reason I started it was for my own sense of peace and to bring a little bit of calmness into my head. It has really helped me to keep moving forward and to keep being strong. Lets just hope tomorrow will be a better day. I continue to ask for prayers of peace and healing. Till next time...

A much needed vacation....

So Jon and I are heading out this evening and going to Maryland with our good friends Corey and Kristin....Kristin's family owns a farm down on Maryland and a bunch of land( i forget exactly how many acres they told me, but I know its quite a bit!) Anyway, there is a pond and just pure relaxation. I have been very much into the woods/ outdoors lately just to be one with nature and to relax so I think this is going to be an awesome vacation for Jon and I because he LOVES the outdoors too! We are going to visit a home style restaurant while we are there to get some good grub( Again, I had a brain fart and forget the name) We will also probably drive down to the beach to just get a drink maybe on the boardwalk and see the ocean....ahh I am soo super excited! You don't understand how bad Jon and I need this...and I know it will be awesome because We always have a wonderful time with Kristin and Corey...drama free( unless jon loses at a card game lol ) and filled with laughs and fun....Thank You Corey and Kristin for making this weekend possible and allowing us to come along with you guys. It means a lot to us and we can't wait to make memories with you guys this weekend! I'm sure I will have lots of pictures when we get back! The only thing I am sad about is leaving my Indy girl but I know she is in great hands with my Sister and Jeff...Thank You both so much for taking care of her while we are away, and I apologize in advance is she acts up at all! I had a talk with her and she should be good! ;) Well ...that's all for now...until next time....

ahhh pure relaxation...where we will be staying...

can't wait!

And life goes on.....

So I found out the other day a few results of my latest scans.... My chest and neck still look good and continue to be stable but that pesky liver is still wanting to act up and be a little resistant to the chemo....damn liver....my surgeon told me that a few spots grew a little bit and there are a few more tumors..but he said nothing substantial which made me feel a little better but was definitely hoping that everything would have been stable or shrunk... was feeling a little discouraged after I found out but am trying my best to get back into gear ...keep fighting and staying positive....the good news is also your liver can hold a pretty large tumor burden before it starts to act up and start being a big problem....not sure exactly how much a large tumor burden is but hopefully i'm not close to being at that point!! The results are not from my oncologist, I go see her on Friday in Philly but I send a copy to my cancer surgeon and also to my oncologist. My cancer surgeon is wonderful about getting results back ASAP and kinda gives me a little heads up so I sort of know what to expect when I get to Philly. That way i'm not freaking out too much. I am so grateful for that. I am hoping when I go down to Philly is when I will get exact answers and figure out what the next step will be..I am hoping they keep me on the chemo because it has only been a little over 2 months and I don't feel like that is nearly enough time to really see it work and plus I am not mentally, physically or emotionally ready to start a new chemo drug at this point especially since I am just getting used to this one...I guess I should just be happy that their will be other options on chemo drugs when the time comes...

Today I am watching my Niece McCartney. She always makes me smile and forget about things. She is such a huge blessing in my life and I love that little girl to pieces. It makes me happy knowing that if children are not in Jon & I's future that I will be able to watch McCartney grow up. It is such a joy to see and exciting to see her learn new things all the time. She is getting so big and so fast! I love her so much!! Well I guess that is all for today...till next time...

I love her <3

The people who matter come into your life when the time is right.....

Do you ever feel like you constantly put yourself out there and try to be nice and care about people but nothing ever comes out of it??there are times when I feel that I try to be a good friend/ good person but there is just nothing in return....frankly, I get tired of it...it gets old...I need to stop caring so much what people think about me and just be satisfied that I do have the people in my life that I do...there are times when I still feel alone and I need to stop feeling like that and just feel blessed and content with what I have. Sometimes I feel so stupid when I feel I have a connection with someone and its probably completely the opposite...I think I trust too easy sometimes. I think i'm going to become more of a reserved person. It sucks because sometimes it feels so good to be able to talk to someone and you think they genuinely care and want to help you when the truth is they don't and they were just listening to make you think they cared...sorry I just needed to rant a little tonight because I was sitting here starting to feel shitty about myself but then I thought you know what I am a damn good person and friend and if people can't accept me for who I am then I don't really need those people in my life...It's amazing the people that you meet in your life and the ones that come and go....there have been people who I thought would still be in my life but they are not for a reason and then there are also people who have come into my life and I am so happy that God put those people back into my life and then there are also people who I am not sure if they are supposed to be in my life or not and i'm still figuring all that out...in time God will show me who should be there and who shouldn't so i'm not too worried about it.Oh my....enough with all of this...until next time

Can't MRI machines be prettier??

Got my scans done today...what a joy...but in all seriousness they aren't that bad, actually can be somewhat relaxing ...and I did say somewhat ...They really should think about putting a piece of art work or something nice to look at while getting these scans done though...that would make it a little bit nicer when your face is almost smashed up against the machine...something for the hospitals to think about....

This week has been a little touchy for me like usual the week or two before my results appointment...this next appointment is a big one though...i'll find out if the chemo is working to shrink the tumors or not....i've been praying hard that it has been working and I have a good feeling about this and I am trying to stay as positive as possible! I owe all my strength to God and my wonderful family and friends...until next time...