The waiting game....

This post is going to be a little bit all over the place but that is kind of where my mind is right now, so I am just going to go with it.....

I'm playing the anxious game again. I just got my latest set of scans done and now I am waiting till my next Penn appointment for the results. It is very scary for me to wait for results. I really don't like it. It especially makes it a bit scarier when my last tumor marker blood work showed that they both went up which typically means there could be more cancer growth. I try my hardest not to live from scan to scan but sometimes that isn't so easy. The worry and reality of this cancer tends to set in especially during this little week span before my results appointment. Some days it is so hard to stay strong during all of this and to put on a happy face.

I get asked a lot when I talk to newer people about my cancer, what my prognosis is. I'm not sure if this is denial or what but I tell them I don't know and personally don't need to know...that is up to God and honestly I don't want to have a number labeled on my life. Some people who have cancer may feel better with a more specific time line, which I can completely understand why many people would want to know. In my eyes, I feel that no one can really tell me a true prognosis. Only God knows how many days We all have left on this Earth, and it actually gives me more peace of mind knowing that.

I have had a rough couple of days lately, the tiredness and "sick" feeling that I feel is just overwhelming. I just want to sleep and unfortunately lately is where I feel most comfortable. I feel bad about that because I know my Husband has been doing a lot lately and I think he gets frustrated. I feel like such a terrible wife sometimes and like a failure. I know Jon has had a lot of pressure on him lately....there hasn't been much work for him this winter and it has been a very hard couple of months. The tension in the house, can get high at times and I can feel it and I know I just add to it. I just want him to be happy and things to get better for us. I know God has a plan and that is something we pray about and trust in but like I said some days I just don't understand. Being a caretaker/ spouse to someone who is sick I feel can be just as hard or harder for the caretaker. Jon hates when he is called a caretaker ....He says this is just his job as my Husband ..." for better or worse, in sickness and in health...." I love him for that, and I know I would do the same for him, but I know it is a lot for him to handle at times ...I wish He could get a break from it all, because I know he needs it. I thank God every day though for putting a man like Jon in my life....I am very blessed to have a Husband like him, I just wish I could do more for him like he does for me. He deserves the best of everything and it kills me when I see him struggling and knowing that I am partially to blame for that. We weren't prepared for this, but then again,I don't see how anyone can be....some days I get angry.Before Jon and I were married we would have conversations about our future together. We would talk about our dreams and goals and one day having a family together. Then after getting married and starting what is supposed to be this new and wonderful chapter in our lives, everything changed in the blink of an eye and our world turned upside down. We realized our dreams had to shift and change and to be honest, it pissed me off. You always hear people say the 1st year of marriage is the hardest. Boy, was that truer then ever for us and we know it will never be easy for us. However, despite all of this in many ways it has and will continue to make us stronger then ever. We didn't get dealt the best hand but if anyone can deal with this, I know that we can get through this with each other and the support and love from our family and friends. When someone is diagnosed with cancer or any illness it is not just a diagnosis for that person but for everyone who is in their life. It is a struggle for everyone. I see that each and every day and this is yet another reason I really dislike and hate cancer. Although, I do hate it so very much...it sure does make you realize the love and strength you all have for one another and makes you realize how very precious life is and to not take anything or anyone for granted.

I continue to ask for prayers and love for Jon, my family & myself. That we continue to have the strength to get through each day that comes. I ask for prayers for Jon, that He can get some more work soon and that some stress can be lifted off of his shoulders and he can get some relief. I ask for prayers that my body and mind can heal from this cancer. I thank you all again for your continued prayers, support and love. Until next time....

To all of you "Patch Adams" in the world... Thank you....

My Husband and I watched the movie "Patch Adams" the other day. What a wonderful and amazing movie. I have seen it before when I was younger but my Husband has never seen it, so we decided to watch it together. Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing if all Doctors took a minute to watch this movie?? I think this movie should be a part of the curriculum to become a Dr. More Doctors need good bedside manner and should start treating patients as a human being, not just a disease or a money sign. I feel that love and showing that you truly care for a patient and their well being can help the healing process much more then people truly realize. Take that time out and laugh and share with them, bring their spirits up. In my past with Doctors I haven't had many connections at all, Many times, I could tell that I was just another number, another chart that they would take a quick look at and then move on. Finally after going to 6 or 7 different Drs for extreme pain and tenderness in my neck since I was 15 and being told it was basically nothing... I gave up. I felt that I was never listened to and just tossed aside. It was disheartening and upsetting. After a while I could no longer take the pain so I talked around and someone I graduated High school with referred me to Penn State Hershey Medical, So I thought okay, I'll give this one last try and I made an appointment and went. I am glad I did because by going there I regained new hope again. My surgeon who ended up doing my very long thyroid cancer surgery was different from any Dr I have ever had. You could tell he genuinely cared and had concern for Me. It was a wonderful feeling and to this day I feel so very blessed that God placed me in His Hands. I bring this up because watching Patch Adams reminded me of that and reminded me of my own "Patch Adams" that I was lucky enough to have. If you have never watched this movie, take the time and watch it. It is an inspiring movie with laughs, love and hope. Also, why not take the time and tell your Dr's to take a look at it too? Can't hurt right? I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from it! Until next time my friends...

Interesting 26th Birthday weekend.....

So my 26th birthday was on the 17th....wasn't the greatest birthday ever but I am just glad I am alive and breathing and have wonderful and amazing people who surround me. I woke up on my birthday morning and realized I was urinating blood( sorry if this post is a little TMI for some of you)....umm yeah talk about scary....I thought oh great what now.....I almost immediately messaged by oncology team to see if any of the medicines I was on had this side effect and none of them did that they were aware of ....so kept going with my day ...my sister and I had a lunch date and she was taking me out for my birthday!! My sis and I always have a fun time together but I knew something was wrong during lunch, because then the pain came on more intense

Love my sista!!

Quick stop after my birthday lunch with kelli lol...

 ....this was the most awful pain and pressure you can imagine....I was thinking that if I ever had a baby this may be similar to what it would feel like....so here I find out I most likely had a bad UTI ....I've never  had one of these before and oh my gosh do they suck!! I don't wish it on anyone!! So for my birthday I pretty much layed in bed in agonizing pain and just tried to relax as much as I could. The following day I had plans to go out to a local bar with my sister and brother in law where they had karaoke....I love going to karaoke nights...they are such a blast!!

 I was so bummed cause my pain was not letting up and I really didn't want to miss out on this...so with my husbands nudging we decided to go out anyway and thought maybe it would help take my mind off of the pain ....and it did for a little and it was really fun to see my brother, brother-in law and sister in law sing some karaoke but unfortunately I still wasn't "all there" because I was still somewhat focused on this pain and having to run to the bathroom all the time didn't help either!!! Sunday my lovely parents made up a birthday meal and got ice cream cake for us to help celebrate my birthday...usually every year I go over to their house and we celebrate, but unfortunately with how I was feeling this year it didn't work out as planned...but the meal was amazing and the ice cream cake was yummy!!! Thanks Mom & Dad!!!  I am now on my 3rd day of antibiotics and I am finally starting to feel normal again...thank goodness!! I'm hoping a few more days of the antibiotics and rest will kick it completely out and I will be good as new!! Just praying that after this I get a little "feel good" break....Jon and I don't need any more stress or things to deal with although I guess that is life for ya?? I just want a few days to feel really really good and then I'll go back to dealing with whatever!! I hope you all had a very blessed weekend!! Don't forget to take a moment to remember Martin Luther King today!!!

 God bless!
Until Next time....

A letter to Cancer...

I saw this and had to blog it....this was such a powerful message to me when I read it...

A letter to Cancer:

It may seem like you have control in my life right now, but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver, kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think, what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things. NEVER.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul, because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.You may take your claim on this frail outer shell but never on my divine spirit that cries out:
" I am not my body".My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts to pull me down into despair.Those who surround me will fight with me to let it be known that we WILL NOT SURRENDER.Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond, that no amount of your impeding growth can break.

You see cancer, you do NOT own me.

I own myself.....and I will survive.

(- Ginger Johnson, 2014- Cancer survivor)


Until next time my friends.....

Just gonna keep moving forward....holding my head up high...

I haven't blogged in quite a while....nothing too new or exciting here to blog about. I was hoping my next blog would be a little bit more cheerier but not sure if I can give you that quite yet....I had a 2 week "vacation" from my former  new chemo that I was on. I needed a break from everything...the break from the chemo gave me a physical break but mentally, I have been a complete wreck these past 2 weeks. After my last Dr. Appointment, I pretty much sunk into a confused and deep depression. All I wanted to do was sleep and lay in bed pretty much all day. I felt like I had no control anymore and felt completely overwhelmed and powerless. At times it was really bad, I wouldn't shower all day and just lay in bed all day and night. My Husband expressed his concern but I would just either lash out by crying or screaming at him. He understood at first but then one person can only take so much and he also started getting distant from me.I tend to really push people away when I get depressed and I have to admit...I have had some depressed episodes but this has been one of the worst I have had in a while. It was admittedly a bit scary for me to feel that out of control of my emotions. I guess I just kind of lost it when I had this plan in my head that I really felt like could work but then "BAM" with my last appointment I realized that the reality was that I can't do the "plan" I had quite like I had dreamed up in my head and it really crushed me. I originally wanted to stay on the lowest dose of the chemo...which I myself secretly went on a very low dose of only 40mg without consulting any Drs...and yes, I know this is a big no, no. But I was scared of this drug for some reason. I was tired of being tired and not feeling well so I did what I thought would work. Well honestly in the long run my plan probably would not have worked like I had hoped for. I would not have been "cured" by just doing juicing and healthier things and taking a ton of special supplements. I am not saying that I am still not going to Juice and live a healthier life but I need to come to the realization that unless God wants me to be fully healed someday...that this cancer is not going away and I thought I accepted that....but turns out I didn't and still fully don't because I do hate it so very, very much. I still have much hope that if God wants to heal me some day that He will and I trust fully in Him...but I am human and get moments of sorrow and pain and just want to give up. I know that if God doesn't heal me that is okay....whatever he uses me for on this Earth, I know will be a wonderful thing and I know he has a plan for everything. I just need to always remember that, but some days are harder then others.

So to keep you all up to speed on things....I am slowly fighting this depression and starting to get back to my old self again. Jon and I will be seeing a cancer therapist very soon and also are looking into other forms of therapy to help us both. This is not easy at all for us or for our relationship and marriage at times. This all can be a huge burden but no matter how hard it gets we will continue to make it through everything and won't quit. I started a new lower dose of my newest chemo yesterday so I am hoping and praying the side effects are kept more minimal this time. So with all this I am hoping things will start to turn and around and go up from here. I thank all my family and friends for continuing to support me in my very up and down moments. It means so much to me..

On another note...time is flying, I can't believe Christmas is over and now it's almost New Years. I hope everyone had a very blessed and Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New year filled with love, hope and joy. God bless all of you. Until next time...

Hate and cancer go together like peanut butter and jelly.

I have been feeling every sort of emotion possible lately....I am sad, angry, upset, depressed and most of all just super confused and frustrated. I am so sick and tired of all of this to be honest. I don't want to deal with this cancer anymore. I don't want any part of it. I legit HATE it so much. I am so sick of the ups and downs....all I want is STABILITY .....is that too much to ask for??? I hate all of the what ifs of everything with this....some days this is all way to much for me and I just need a break or a vacation or something so bad right now!! Sorry this is a bitching/venting blog today but I need to do it because I am way too overwhelmed and need to get some of these emotions out or i'm gonna go crazy!!I feel like I start feeling "better" and then something new happens with my body and mind or life and everything gets messed up again...so so frustrating....but then again that is life and I need to realize this and that this is now my "new" life but that doesn't mean I have to like this cancer at all....I will accept it but I in no way, shape or form like it. I wish this cancer would just shove itself up its own ass if it had one...lol....ugh soo over it!!! Hopefully my next blog will be a much more positive and happy blog...but for now it is what it is!! Until next time....

 

A new chapter in my journey...the best is yet to come...

So have been doing little things to prepare for my new lifestyle change. I am gradually adding all healthier whole raw and organic foods a little bit at a time and also now have most of the tools I need to start my new life. I am feeling so good about all of this. I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life and is a bit scary...obviously I was not a very healthy eater at all and I ate whatever I wanted....(and no this is not how or why I got cancer... although I'm sure my past lifestyle didn't help AT ALL but my cancer is also genetic and I've had the gene in my body since I was born.) This cancer was my wake up call and made me realize how precious our bodies are and how abusive I was being towards my body and also mind.

I have such a different mindset now though then I used to...I have been on every diet you can imagine since I was a teen(which is my first mistake) and never stuck to anything really before...

...but that was when I had a super negative mindset and just still didn't love myself enough to try and had absolutely no will power. It is amazing how different I am now...first, I don't look at this as a "diet"....this is a complete lifestyle change and also possibly for me a lifesaver change that I am making. Do I wish I would have done this sooner...absolutely...but I can't go back in time now and I can't change anything so this is where I am starting this new chapter in my journey. I am very ready for all of these changes in my life and I have such an amazing support system who are backing me up 150%. It is so wonderful to have such amazing people in my life and makes my choices that much easier. My next stop will be talking with my oncologist on Dec 5th- I am not sure what is going to happen at that appointment- I am hoping that I will be supported but everyone is entitled to their opinions but it all comes down to this being my life and my body and this I feel is the best chance for me to really live and overcome this cancer and to be the healthiest I can possibly be. After I focus on me and get myself together and start feeling better and better my next goal in my journey will be starting work again as soon as I am up and ready!!!

This was a wonderful weekend- Jon's best friend Matt came over Saturday and we all went to the shooting range together- I never shot any type of gun before so this was a first for me!!

 Matt had his 100 year old .22 rifle so it was easy and fun to shoot!! Another check off of my lifelist!! Then Sunday was my furry nephew Elway's 1st birthday party!! He is so cute and Indy had fun!!

 

Today I used my new juicer for the very first time! It was awesome and so fun/easy to use. I made my first juice concoction out of kale,spinach,sweet potato,carrot,apples,oranges and a little lemon- It was very delicious and I look forward to juicing every single day and coming up with new and healthy drinks!!! I also started my day out with a fresh banana/kefir/raw kimchi juice smoothie- (for all that don't know kimchi is fermented veggies and kefir is fermented milk drink that is made with kefir grains- it is very similar to yogurt but with 13 different good for your body bacteria's and probiotic organisms.)

I hope everyone has a very wonderful and happy Thanksgiving day coming up!!! Gobble,Gobble!!!I am so thankful for so many things- My wonderful and amazing Hubby,Family and Friends...having a roof over my head and food in my belly...and also having so so many of you supporting me and helping me through everything...I am so very thankful to have an amazing relationship with my Lord and Savior and for his continued grace and mercy and most of all love he has shown me on a daily basis and for helping me to be strong and become the person that I am today...Don't just count your blessings on Thanksgiving ...count them every day..God bless all of you....until next time my friends....