Internal struggles....

I've been having an internal struggle lately with myself.....I hate that I have such social anxiety. I think I would be accomplishing a lot more and being a better person if it wasn't for that. I get so angry at myself that I'm not out volunteering more and helping others more...I have so many things I want to do but have such anxiety to actually do it. I have such a fear of judgment and just being in social situations. I have always been like this....even when I was younger and in school...I never did any extra curricular activities or sports because I was so afraid of messing up and being a failure that I was too afraid. I have gotten better with this through the years as I grew up...but I still have a huge fear of this. Literally sometimes just going somewhere by myself, talking on the phone, being in any social environment with people I don't know puts me in a state of panic. I feel that a lot of that had to do with my self esteem and the fact that I hated who I was physically and sometimes mentally. I have tried so many diets and different fads and always felt the pressure to be thin from society. I never felt good about myself and had an extremely low self esteem. Its strange too because I had plenty of friends and never got teased at least not to my face....I was pretty shy and not super outgoing unless I knew you, but I wouldn't say I wasn't particularly an outcast or anything. I was pretty open minded to everyone and was friends with whoever wanted to be in my life. I envy those people that can just be themselves and outgoing and funny who everyone loved and who didn't care what people thought about them. I do have to admit I felt like I had to go along with the crowd in order to fit in...which I thank God I am not that type of person anymore ...I definitely am more secure with myself now and can stand on my own two feet and I think that comes with getting older as well, but I still get those insecurities and fear. I feel that since being diagnosed things have gotten better but again because of the stigma of cancer and that fact that I don't quite "fit" the part because I don't necessarily look "sick" really bothers me....if people only knew how hard it can be to live the life that I do at times and have the pains and everyday fears that I do...I hate how society put people who have cancer into one big bubble. They think that people who have cancer should be bald from chemo, sickly looking and in bed all the time or...when that is not the case and just because I don't "look" the part doesn't mean I feel great 100% of the time either and that I can be dismissed as just being dramatic about this or making it up....because this is something that just can't be made up....I read stories in the news in the past about how people make up having cancer to get money or to get free stuff and I think wow...why on earth would anyone want to even pretend that!? It makes me so angry when I see stuff like that.... they have no idea what people who really have cancer go through and I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone. This blog today is kind of all over the place and I apologize for that but some days my mind is just all over the place and I just type it as it comes out of my head. Anyways, I pray to God that he continues to help me get through this and continues to strengthen me though him and to help me to become a better person. I thank him for all of the strength he gives me everyday and am blessed with the constant daily reminder of his presence in my life. There are a few verses I read recently that I would like to share to end my blog today...

Luke 6:27-31 - Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.  If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

until next time....