A lightbulb moment.

So last night and this morning I had some sort of slap in your face type of moment. Call it a realization,awarenness, a light bulb going off or what have you... I realized that I've let this cancer be in the forerun of my life for too long now. I didn't even realize I was doing this so much and how much I have been letting it control me in many ways when it comes to my mind and my life. Yes, let's be blunt, I have a pretty shitty cancer and in all honesty it can really suck, but you know what...life goes on. I can not let this ludacris, asshole of a disease define me. Nothing will define me but myself. I decide who I want to be, what I want to accomplish in life,where I wanna go and so many other things...not this cancer.
 Too often, I have let it make me feel irrelevant, down, lonely and lost. I use it at times as a crutch.Yes, those days I honestly probably didn't feel that great...but you know what...you get up...you keep moving..you breath and lift your head as high as you can those days. You are alive, you're still here...you're lucky, you're blessed. So i think to myself.. "self, stop bitching,stop complaining, stop letting this define you!"...people have life and situations so much worse then I do. On some days I let it bring me down so much,that staying in bed and sulking in my illness feel like the only thing I can do and really only know how to do in that moment...but you know what? I am done with using cancer as an excuse to not live. I'm not being completely insane and unrealistic though,thinking I'm not going to have those days where I just need rest would be crazy.Although I've come to these realizations, I still get that I'm sick and obviously not 100% health wise. However, I'm done blaming the cancer...I am stronger then that..I am wiser and far more determined and more fierce then this pest in my body will ever be.I choose my future, I decide how I want this journey to go. This cancer is no longer going to dictate me in any way. It is just a road block...uhh yeah, maybe a slightly bigger one then imagined but that's all i will ever let it be is just that, a nuisance that I will continue to face and beat down. This cancer is no match for me...I know it is going to try hard as hell to bring me down and defeat me mentally, physically and who knows how else. It has NO CLUE who it had decided to mess with. I used to be a lot weaker but my perspectives changed, as I grow in life and as a person, I will only get stronger.Until next time..

" I know what I have to do now,  I've got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide will bring."
-Tom Hanks, Cast Away