A lightbulb moment.

So last night and this morning I had some sort of slap in your face type of moment. Call it a realization,awarenness, a light bulb going off or what have you... I realized that I've let this cancer be in the forerun of my life for too long now. I didn't even realize I was doing this so much and how much I have been letting it control me in many ways when it comes to my mind and my life. Yes, let's be blunt, I have a pretty shitty cancer and in all honesty it can really suck, but you know what...life goes on. I can not let this ludacris, asshole of a disease define me. Nothing will define me but myself. I decide who I want to be, what I want to accomplish in life,where I wanna go and so many other things...not this cancer.
 Too often, I have let it make me feel irrelevant, down, lonely and lost. I use it at times as a crutch.Yes, those days I honestly probably didn't feel that great...but you know what...you get up...you keep moving..you breath and lift your head as high as you can those days. You are alive, you're still here...you're lucky, you're blessed. So i think to myself.. "self, stop bitching,stop complaining, stop letting this define you!"...people have life and situations so much worse then I do. On some days I let it bring me down so much,that staying in bed and sulking in my illness feel like the only thing I can do and really only know how to do in that moment...but you know what? I am done with using cancer as an excuse to not live. I'm not being completely insane and unrealistic though,thinking I'm not going to have those days where I just need rest would be crazy.Although I've come to these realizations, I still get that I'm sick and obviously not 100% health wise. However, I'm done blaming the cancer...I am stronger then that..I am wiser and far more determined and more fierce then this pest in my body will ever be.I choose my future, I decide how I want this journey to go. This cancer is no longer going to dictate me in any way. It is just a road block...uhh yeah, maybe a slightly bigger one then imagined but that's all i will ever let it be is just that, a nuisance that I will continue to face and beat down. This cancer is no match for me...I know it is going to try hard as hell to bring me down and defeat me mentally, physically and who knows how else. It has NO CLUE who it had decided to mess with. I used to be a lot weaker but my perspectives changed, as I grow in life and as a person, I will only get stronger.Until next time..

" I know what I have to do now,  I've got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide will bring."
-Tom Hanks, Cast Away

The beauty of fall...

It is such a gorgeous day today. The sun is shining and the weather is perfect. I love days like this, they make me feel so refreshed and just overall feeling good! Fall is just around the corner and its by far my favorite season. The smell of the crisp air, the mums and fall decorations, the leaves changing to beautiful hues of gold, orange and reds. Also some of the most beautiful sunsets are around this time....and of course can't forget the hoodie weather! :-)

This week is the Ephrata fair. I do admit I love to people watch and I enjoy watching the parade and walking to the fair from my house but the parking is going to be a big old pain! Not much for me, but jon will be coming home from work around the time it gets really busy and unfortunately we have on street parking. Definitely a bit of a downfall but we will work it out!

Things have been going OK as far as new cancer news. Since upping my chemo dose, i have realized taking the 120mg was too much for me. I was getting bad hand\foot syndrome, horrible appetite,nausea, the big "d" and over all not feeling well at all. I began to alternate my doses from 100mg one day and 120mg the next. That seemed to help a bit, still have minor hand foot syndrome, nausea, appetite not great but overall it is more tolerable for me. Since starting chemo I have lost about 60lbs. Its such a mixed emotion for me. It has always been a struggle to lose weight my whole life and don't get me wrong I am feeling better and more confident from the weight loss but the reason for the loss is very scary for me. I wish I could say it was from something else then the chemo. It would be much more gratifying. My mind has been off a bit lately...my short term memory is horrible at times. A few weeks ago I couldn't even remember my one dogs name, that was a little alarming but again thinking its from chemo. I asked Penn about getting possible brain scans to check for cancer mets but they don't think that's necessary at this point. Which is fine, I don't need to worry about another thing right now.

I hope my spreading awareness through my blog and Facebook has maybe helped people realize how very serious thyroid cancer can be. It is nothing to mess with. Life isn't easy at all dealing with it. I have had to think about things I never would have imagined worrying about at 26. I have had innumerable amounts of MRI, CT scans and Dr visits. The amount of viles worth of blood I get drawn monthly ,would be a vampires dream. The waiting games and anxiety waiting to hear from the Drs in Philly if my cancer is stable or progressing. Everyday pains and sickness... Again, it is not at all easy in any way. Then there are some more real and harder things that need to be thought about. The fact of thinking and talking about funeral arrangements with my husband much sooner then ever imagined, the scariness of not knowing what is going to happen to me, if or when this cancer takes a turn for the worse. These things are not talked about too much but still must be discussed and the realization of my future down the line can't be ignored. I try not to think about the possibility of the future too much and just enjoy living my life day for day and breathing in every moment in life. My biggest fears for my future are not for me but for others. Despite all of this though I know everything will be OK. God is holding us all close to his heart tightly and knows what is best for us whether we understand or not at this point. I know I am not alone and never will be. I am very thankful for the life I do have because many others have things much worse. Who am I to complain? God is good and life is precious and beautiful! Please continue to educate yourself on thyroid cancer awareness. It is so very important and please always get a quick neck check if you feel something isn't right, it could very well be a life saver.

until next time my friends...

Thyroid cancer awareness 2014!!!

Hello all you beautiful people!! So again, I apologize for not blogging as often...I am hoping to be able to get a laptop soon because it is a bit difficult on my tablet!!! Well we are now in the month of September..kids are back to school, fall is just around the corner and most importantly it's thyroid cancer awareness month! I try to promote thyroid cancer awareness all year round but since September is the month where the world seems to recognize it more, I do extra this month while peoples eyes and ears are more open to it!!!

Now for some info and facts about thyroid cancer...
*It is estimated that in 2014 alone, 62,950 new cases have been reported thus far- thyroid cancer is on the rise and is slowly but surely beginning to rise on the list of common cancers to get...this my friends is not good.
* Many people have this idea in their head that thyroid cancer is an easy cancer to treat..while yes if detected early..there can be a high cure rate. However, 5% of those diagnosed with one of the more rare types of thyroid cancer such as medullary or anaplastic thyroid cancer unfortunately deal with a disease that is incurable and very difficult to treat. I am in that 5%.
* Thyroid cancer is known to affect anyone at any age. It is not picky in who it choices to affect.
*It is extremely important to get your neck checked...many times thyroid cancer doesn't have many symptoms. It can sneak up on you without you having a clue. Some symptoms that could be present are as follows:

• Swelling or lump in neck
• Problems swallowing
• Difficulty breathing
• A horse voice or other voice changes
• Frequent cough
• Throat or neck pain
• Swollen lymph nodes

Again, you do not necessarily have to show any symptoms to have thyroid cancer. Neck checks are so simple and the key is to detect thyroid cancer as early as possible...this can be a life saver!

* let's go back a little bit. what exactly is the thyroid and is it that important?? The thyroid gland is a very important part of your body. A normal functioning thyroid regulates many things...thyroid makes hormones:
Thyroid hormone: The thyroid follicular cells make thyroid hormone. This hormone affects heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and weight. For example, too much thyroid hormone makes your heart race, and too little makes you feel very tired.
Calcitonin: The C cells in the thyroid make calcitonin. This hormone plays a small role in keeping a healthy level of calcium in the body. Many people who get diagnosed with thyroid cancer need to get a procedure called a thyroidectomy to remove the thyroid and surrounding cancer. These people will forever have to supplement their bodies with a thyroid hormone such as synthroid or other thyroid hormone replacements.

* Thyroid cancer is NOT in any way,shape or form the "good or easy" type of cancer to have. No cancer is but for some reason thyroid cancer has a huge stigma attached to it as being "the kind to get.". Oh, how naive, ignorant and completely wrong that statement is. People are dying from this cancer every day. People with thyroid cancer (including myself) deal with constant pain,hospital visits,scan after scan, needle jab after needle jab, fears of recurrence or further spread of the cancer into other vital organs, financial, physical, emotional and spiritual burdens. Fear of one day this cancer taking over their bodies and losing contol. Any one who assumes or makes the statement that thyroid cancer is the " good" cancer should really be ashamed of themselves for making that assumption. These people need to educate themselves and learn the facts before letting these harsh words leave their mouths.

With all of this said, I urge you to please spread awareness for thyroid cancer. Please take the time to educate yourselves on this very real and scary disease. Thyroid cancer is no joke. Let's continue to donate to research,  and stand up together and spread the word, so that one day thyroid cancers and I pray all cancers for that matter will be a thing of the past! Thank you all and God bless. Until next time...