I'm playing the anxious game again. I just got my latest set of scans done and now I am waiting till my next Penn appointment for the results. It is very scary for me to wait for results. I really don't like it. It especially makes it a bit scarier when my last tumor marker blood work showed that they both went up which typically means there could be more cancer growth. I try my hardest not to live from scan to scan but sometimes that isn't so easy. The worry and reality of this cancer tends to set in especially during this little week span before my results appointment. Some days it is so hard to stay strong during all of this and to put on a happy face.
I get asked a lot when I talk to newer people about my cancer, what my prognosis is. I'm not sure if this is denial or what but I tell them I don't know and personally don't need to know...that is up to God and honestly I don't want to have a number labeled on my life. Some people who have cancer may feel better with a more specific time line, which I can completely understand why many people would want to know. In my eyes, I feel that no one can really tell me a true prognosis. Only God knows how many days We all have left on this Earth, and it actually gives me more peace of mind knowing that.
I have had a rough couple of days lately, the tiredness and "sick" feeling that I feel is just overwhelming. I just want to sleep and unfortunately lately is where I feel most comfortable. I feel bad about that because I know my Husband has been doing a lot lately and I think he gets frustrated. I feel like such a terrible wife sometimes and like a failure. I know Jon has had a lot of pressure on him lately....there hasn't been much work for him this winter and it has been a very hard couple of months. The tension in the house, can get high at times and I can feel it and I know I just add to it. I just want him to be happy and things to get better for us. I know God has a plan and that is something we pray about and trust in but like I said some days I just don't understand. Being a caretaker/ spouse to someone who is sick I feel can be just as hard or harder for the caretaker. Jon hates when he is called a caretaker ....He says this is just his job as my Husband ..." for better or worse, in sickness and in health...." I love him for that, and I know I would do the same for him, but I know it is a lot for him to handle at times ...I wish He could get a break from it all, because I know he needs it. I thank God every day though for putting a man like Jon in my life....I am very blessed to have a Husband like him, I just wish I could do more for him like he does for me. He deserves the best of everything and it kills me when I see him struggling and knowing that I am partially to blame for that. We weren't prepared for this, but then again,I don't see how anyone can be....some days I get angry.Before Jon and I were married we would have conversations about our future together. We would talk about our dreams and goals and one day having a family together. Then after getting married and starting what is supposed to be this new and wonderful chapter in our lives, everything changed in the blink of an eye and our world turned upside down. We realized our dreams had to shift and change and to be honest, it pissed me off. You always hear people say the 1st year of marriage is the hardest. Boy, was that truer then ever for us and we know it will never be easy for us. However, despite all of this in many ways it has and will continue to make us stronger then ever. We didn't get dealt the best hand but if anyone can deal with this, I know that we can get through this with each other and the support and love from our family and friends. When someone is diagnosed with cancer or any illness it is not just a diagnosis for that person but for everyone who is in their life. It is a struggle for everyone. I see that each and every day and this is yet another reason I really dislike and hate cancer. Although, I do hate it so very much...it sure does make you realize the love and strength you all have for one another and makes you realize how very precious life is and to not take anything or anyone for granted.
I continue to ask for prayers and love for Jon, my family & myself. That we continue to have the strength to get through each day that comes. I ask for prayers for Jon, that He can get some more work soon and that some stress can be lifted off of his shoulders and he can get some relief. I ask for prayers that my body and mind can heal from this cancer. I thank you all again for your continued prayers, support and love. Until next time....
