Live Simply...but love fully...

So it has been a while since I blogged--my last blog I was waiting to get scan results back. Many things have happened since then- Good news is my scans came back perfectly stable which is wonderful! It is always wonderful to hear the words stable :-)

 Also since my last blog my Sister and I went to the much anticipated Justin Timberlake concert together. We drove up to Philly together and stayed overnight. It was so much fun, it always is with my Sister. We laugh so hard practically the whole time. The concert was absolutely amazing and Justin is an awesome performer!! The only things I would have changed were having to deal with bad hand/foot syndrome( so I had to sit several times during the performance) and also that our camera broke right before the concert( so, sorry no pictures!) but other then that it was an amazing memory I will never forget!!! Just sitting here typing this is making me laugh thinking about how fun that night was! Oh my, when the two of us are together...everyone better watch out!

Some other things that have happened- I took a two week break from my chemo due to the hand/foot syndrome that I just mentioned in the paragraph above. Boy, is that a hard side effect to deal with- my hands and feet were on fire and raw and my skin was peeling off .I could barely walk and couldn't do simple things- it was absolutely horrible...but it makes you realize how much you appreciate the little things like use of your hands and feet.The break from the chemo gave my hands and feet enough time to heal over for now-which is a relief. I started back on my chemo this past Monday on a lower dose then I was at (80mg)- we are hoping and praying this works to keep the hand/foot syndrome and other side effects more under control but still be able to control and keep the cancer stable. Always praying that stable and healing are in God's plans for me.

 

 Another happening since last time.. is once again my TSH went completely whack again. I have been feeling extreme tiredness- barely able to get out of bed and once I do get out of bed just wanting to go back into bed and not functioning too well- Well here my last blood work showed that my TSH level was at 148!! My oncology nurse couldn't believe this and said if this was true I could be in big trouble. So we decided to do repeat blood work. I got those results back and still my TSH was 116-a normal TSH can run between 0.4-4.0- so as you can see my TSH was extremely high. When your TSH gets that high you can be at risk of possible coma if it continues to rise. So this is obviously pretty scary- We are thinking this happened because my last TSH results were getting a little too low and I was feeling very anxious and shaky and having heart palpitations- so we took away my cytomel which is a replacement T3 hormone and I was just taking the normal 200mg of synthroid- Well we are thinking taking all that away at the same time probably caused this. So now I am taking the 200mg synthroid plus 4- 5mg of cytomel to help lower my TSH and get it back to normal range- I go see Penn again at the end of the month so we will have a better idea of what is going on then!! Lets hope all goes well and things start to go back to normal and stay that way! I just have to mention, Jon has been absolutely amazing during this time of me dealing with all of these issues- He is right there to help me and has been keeping up with the house and hasn't complained once- I feel terrible about it but he always assures me that he just wants me to feel better and it is such a blessing that I have a Husband like him. He continues to amaze me everyday- He is so strong and I love him so much for going through this with me and being right by my side. He is wonderful.

 

One of the things I gave up for lent is Facebook- I need breaks from that- I get tired of communicating with people only through face book and I admit it can be very addicting and I don't want to hide behind it. It can be a great tool for some of my support groups but I feel is also a very easy way to "check up" on people and keep tabs of what's going on with people instead of just asking the actual person- and like I said ....just as guilty here at times!! Plus I figure there are many other ways people can get a hold of us if they really wanted too!! Jon and I have also decided just to take a few hours every day and turn off all media and just spend time talking and doing simple things like playing cards,games, listening to music or just simply talking to each other and spending time together in devotion and prayer more often. Quality time--its a good thing that I think todays world forgets about because of all the hustle and bustle of every day things that we can all get caught up in. I challenge you all to try it--just take at least an hour and just turn off all media- TV's, cell phones,everything and just spend some quality time with the ones you love--actually listen to somebody as they speak and devote all of yourself for that one hour to another person or persons....Until next time my friends.

The waiting game....

This post is going to be a little bit all over the place but that is kind of where my mind is right now, so I am just going to go with it.....

I'm playing the anxious game again. I just got my latest set of scans done and now I am waiting till my next Penn appointment for the results. It is very scary for me to wait for results. I really don't like it. It especially makes it a bit scarier when my last tumor marker blood work showed that they both went up which typically means there could be more cancer growth. I try my hardest not to live from scan to scan but sometimes that isn't so easy. The worry and reality of this cancer tends to set in especially during this little week span before my results appointment. Some days it is so hard to stay strong during all of this and to put on a happy face.

I get asked a lot when I talk to newer people about my cancer, what my prognosis is. I'm not sure if this is denial or what but I tell them I don't know and personally don't need to know...that is up to God and honestly I don't want to have a number labeled on my life. Some people who have cancer may feel better with a more specific time line, which I can completely understand why many people would want to know. In my eyes, I feel that no one can really tell me a true prognosis. Only God knows how many days We all have left on this Earth, and it actually gives me more peace of mind knowing that.

I have had a rough couple of days lately, the tiredness and "sick" feeling that I feel is just overwhelming. I just want to sleep and unfortunately lately is where I feel most comfortable. I feel bad about that because I know my Husband has been doing a lot lately and I think he gets frustrated. I feel like such a terrible wife sometimes and like a failure. I know Jon has had a lot of pressure on him lately....there hasn't been much work for him this winter and it has been a very hard couple of months. The tension in the house, can get high at times and I can feel it and I know I just add to it. I just want him to be happy and things to get better for us. I know God has a plan and that is something we pray about and trust in but like I said some days I just don't understand. Being a caretaker/ spouse to someone who is sick I feel can be just as hard or harder for the caretaker. Jon hates when he is called a caretaker ....He says this is just his job as my Husband ..." for better or worse, in sickness and in health...." I love him for that, and I know I would do the same for him, but I know it is a lot for him to handle at times ...I wish He could get a break from it all, because I know he needs it. I thank God every day though for putting a man like Jon in my life....I am very blessed to have a Husband like him, I just wish I could do more for him like he does for me. He deserves the best of everything and it kills me when I see him struggling and knowing that I am partially to blame for that. We weren't prepared for this, but then again,I don't see how anyone can be....some days I get angry.Before Jon and I were married we would have conversations about our future together. We would talk about our dreams and goals and one day having a family together. Then after getting married and starting what is supposed to be this new and wonderful chapter in our lives, everything changed in the blink of an eye and our world turned upside down. We realized our dreams had to shift and change and to be honest, it pissed me off. You always hear people say the 1st year of marriage is the hardest. Boy, was that truer then ever for us and we know it will never be easy for us. However, despite all of this in many ways it has and will continue to make us stronger then ever. We didn't get dealt the best hand but if anyone can deal with this, I know that we can get through this with each other and the support and love from our family and friends. When someone is diagnosed with cancer or any illness it is not just a diagnosis for that person but for everyone who is in their life. It is a struggle for everyone. I see that each and every day and this is yet another reason I really dislike and hate cancer. Although, I do hate it so very much...it sure does make you realize the love and strength you all have for one another and makes you realize how very precious life is and to not take anything or anyone for granted.

I continue to ask for prayers and love for Jon, my family & myself. That we continue to have the strength to get through each day that comes. I ask for prayers for Jon, that He can get some more work soon and that some stress can be lifted off of his shoulders and he can get some relief. I ask for prayers that my body and mind can heal from this cancer. I thank you all again for your continued prayers, support and love. Until next time....

To all of you "Patch Adams" in the world... Thank you....

My Husband and I watched the movie "Patch Adams" the other day. What a wonderful and amazing movie. I have seen it before when I was younger but my Husband has never seen it, so we decided to watch it together. Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing if all Doctors took a minute to watch this movie?? I think this movie should be a part of the curriculum to become a Dr. More Doctors need good bedside manner and should start treating patients as a human being, not just a disease or a money sign. I feel that love and showing that you truly care for a patient and their well being can help the healing process much more then people truly realize. Take that time out and laugh and share with them, bring their spirits up. In my past with Doctors I haven't had many connections at all, Many times, I could tell that I was just another number, another chart that they would take a quick look at and then move on. Finally after going to 6 or 7 different Drs for extreme pain and tenderness in my neck since I was 15 and being told it was basically nothing... I gave up. I felt that I was never listened to and just tossed aside. It was disheartening and upsetting. After a while I could no longer take the pain so I talked around and someone I graduated High school with referred me to Penn State Hershey Medical, So I thought okay, I'll give this one last try and I made an appointment and went. I am glad I did because by going there I regained new hope again. My surgeon who ended up doing my very long thyroid cancer surgery was different from any Dr I have ever had. You could tell he genuinely cared and had concern for Me. It was a wonderful feeling and to this day I feel so very blessed that God placed me in His Hands. I bring this up because watching Patch Adams reminded me of that and reminded me of my own "Patch Adams" that I was lucky enough to have. If you have never watched this movie, take the time and watch it. It is an inspiring movie with laughs, love and hope. Also, why not take the time and tell your Dr's to take a look at it too? Can't hurt right? I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from it! Until next time my friends...

Interesting 26th Birthday weekend.....

So my 26th birthday was on the 17th....wasn't the greatest birthday ever but I am just glad I am alive and breathing and have wonderful and amazing people who surround me. I woke up on my birthday morning and realized I was urinating blood( sorry if this post is a little TMI for some of you)....umm yeah talk about scary....I thought oh great what now.....I almost immediately messaged by oncology team to see if any of the medicines I was on had this side effect and none of them did that they were aware of ....so kept going with my day ...my sister and I had a lunch date and she was taking me out for my birthday!! My sis and I always have a fun time together but I knew something was wrong during lunch, because then the pain came on more intense

Love my sista!!

Quick stop after my birthday lunch with kelli lol...

 ....this was the most awful pain and pressure you can imagine....I was thinking that if I ever had a baby this may be similar to what it would feel like....so here I find out I most likely had a bad UTI ....I've never  had one of these before and oh my gosh do they suck!! I don't wish it on anyone!! So for my birthday I pretty much layed in bed in agonizing pain and just tried to relax as much as I could. The following day I had plans to go out to a local bar with my sister and brother in law where they had karaoke....I love going to karaoke nights...they are such a blast!!

 I was so bummed cause my pain was not letting up and I really didn't want to miss out on this...so with my husbands nudging we decided to go out anyway and thought maybe it would help take my mind off of the pain ....and it did for a little and it was really fun to see my brother, brother-in law and sister in law sing some karaoke but unfortunately I still wasn't "all there" because I was still somewhat focused on this pain and having to run to the bathroom all the time didn't help either!!! Sunday my lovely parents made up a birthday meal and got ice cream cake for us to help celebrate my birthday...usually every year I go over to their house and we celebrate, but unfortunately with how I was feeling this year it didn't work out as planned...but the meal was amazing and the ice cream cake was yummy!!! Thanks Mom & Dad!!!  I am now on my 3rd day of antibiotics and I am finally starting to feel normal again...thank goodness!! I'm hoping a few more days of the antibiotics and rest will kick it completely out and I will be good as new!! Just praying that after this I get a little "feel good" break....Jon and I don't need any more stress or things to deal with although I guess that is life for ya?? I just want a few days to feel really really good and then I'll go back to dealing with whatever!! I hope you all had a very blessed weekend!! Don't forget to take a moment to remember Martin Luther King today!!!

 God bless!
Until Next time....

A letter to Cancer...

I saw this and had to blog it....this was such a powerful message to me when I read it...

A letter to Cancer:

It may seem like you have control in my life right now, but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver, kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think, what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things. NEVER.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul, because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.You may take your claim on this frail outer shell but never on my divine spirit that cries out:
" I am not my body".My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts to pull me down into despair.Those who surround me will fight with me to let it be known that we WILL NOT SURRENDER.Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond, that no amount of your impeding growth can break.

You see cancer, you do NOT own me.

I own myself.....and I will survive.

(- Ginger Johnson, 2014- Cancer survivor)


Until next time my friends.....

Just gonna keep moving forward....holding my head up high...

I haven't blogged in quite a while....nothing too new or exciting here to blog about. I was hoping my next blog would be a little bit more cheerier but not sure if I can give you that quite yet....I had a 2 week "vacation" from my former  new chemo that I was on. I needed a break from everything...the break from the chemo gave me a physical break but mentally, I have been a complete wreck these past 2 weeks. After my last Dr. Appointment, I pretty much sunk into a confused and deep depression. All I wanted to do was sleep and lay in bed pretty much all day. I felt like I had no control anymore and felt completely overwhelmed and powerless. At times it was really bad, I wouldn't shower all day and just lay in bed all day and night. My Husband expressed his concern but I would just either lash out by crying or screaming at him. He understood at first but then one person can only take so much and he also started getting distant from me.I tend to really push people away when I get depressed and I have to admit...I have had some depressed episodes but this has been one of the worst I have had in a while. It was admittedly a bit scary for me to feel that out of control of my emotions. I guess I just kind of lost it when I had this plan in my head that I really felt like could work but then "BAM" with my last appointment I realized that the reality was that I can't do the "plan" I had quite like I had dreamed up in my head and it really crushed me. I originally wanted to stay on the lowest dose of the chemo...which I myself secretly went on a very low dose of only 40mg without consulting any Drs...and yes, I know this is a big no, no. But I was scared of this drug for some reason. I was tired of being tired and not feeling well so I did what I thought would work. Well honestly in the long run my plan probably would not have worked like I had hoped for. I would not have been "cured" by just doing juicing and healthier things and taking a ton of special supplements. I am not saying that I am still not going to Juice and live a healthier life but I need to come to the realization that unless God wants me to be fully healed someday...that this cancer is not going away and I thought I accepted that....but turns out I didn't and still fully don't because I do hate it so very, very much. I still have much hope that if God wants to heal me some day that He will and I trust fully in Him...but I am human and get moments of sorrow and pain and just want to give up. I know that if God doesn't heal me that is okay....whatever he uses me for on this Earth, I know will be a wonderful thing and I know he has a plan for everything. I just need to always remember that, but some days are harder then others.

So to keep you all up to speed on things....I am slowly fighting this depression and starting to get back to my old self again. Jon and I will be seeing a cancer therapist very soon and also are looking into other forms of therapy to help us both. This is not easy at all for us or for our relationship and marriage at times. This all can be a huge burden but no matter how hard it gets we will continue to make it through everything and won't quit. I started a new lower dose of my newest chemo yesterday so I am hoping and praying the side effects are kept more minimal this time. So with all this I am hoping things will start to turn and around and go up from here. I thank all my family and friends for continuing to support me in my very up and down moments. It means so much to me..

On another note...time is flying, I can't believe Christmas is over and now it's almost New Years. I hope everyone had a very blessed and Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New year filled with love, hope and joy. God bless all of you. Until next time...

Hate and cancer go together like peanut butter and jelly.

I have been feeling every sort of emotion possible lately....I am sad, angry, upset, depressed and most of all just super confused and frustrated. I am so sick and tired of all of this to be honest. I don't want to deal with this cancer anymore. I don't want any part of it. I legit HATE it so much. I am so sick of the ups and downs....all I want is STABILITY .....is that too much to ask for??? I hate all of the what ifs of everything with this....some days this is all way to much for me and I just need a break or a vacation or something so bad right now!! Sorry this is a bitching/venting blog today but I need to do it because I am way too overwhelmed and need to get some of these emotions out or i'm gonna go crazy!!I feel like I start feeling "better" and then something new happens with my body and mind or life and everything gets messed up again...so so frustrating....but then again that is life and I need to realize this and that this is now my "new" life but that doesn't mean I have to like this cancer at all....I will accept it but I in no way, shape or form like it. I wish this cancer would just shove itself up its own ass if it had one...lol....ugh soo over it!!! Hopefully my next blog will be a much more positive and happy blog...but for now it is what it is!! Until next time....