A letter to Cancer...

I saw this and had to blog it....this was such a powerful message to me when I read it...

A letter to Cancer:

It may seem like you have control in my life right now, but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver, kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think, what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things. NEVER.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul, because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.You may take your claim on this frail outer shell but never on my divine spirit that cries out:
" I am not my body".My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts to pull me down into despair.Those who surround me will fight with me to let it be known that we WILL NOT SURRENDER.Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond, that no amount of your impeding growth can break.

You see cancer, you do NOT own me.

I own myself.....and I will survive.

(- Ginger Johnson, 2014- Cancer survivor)


Until next time my friends.....

Just gonna keep moving forward....holding my head up high...

I haven't blogged in quite a while....nothing too new or exciting here to blog about. I was hoping my next blog would be a little bit more cheerier but not sure if I can give you that quite yet....I had a 2 week "vacation" from my former  new chemo that I was on. I needed a break from everything...the break from the chemo gave me a physical break but mentally, I have been a complete wreck these past 2 weeks. After my last Dr. Appointment, I pretty much sunk into a confused and deep depression. All I wanted to do was sleep and lay in bed pretty much all day. I felt like I had no control anymore and felt completely overwhelmed and powerless. At times it was really bad, I wouldn't shower all day and just lay in bed all day and night. My Husband expressed his concern but I would just either lash out by crying or screaming at him. He understood at first but then one person can only take so much and he also started getting distant from me.I tend to really push people away when I get depressed and I have to admit...I have had some depressed episodes but this has been one of the worst I have had in a while. It was admittedly a bit scary for me to feel that out of control of my emotions. I guess I just kind of lost it when I had this plan in my head that I really felt like could work but then "BAM" with my last appointment I realized that the reality was that I can't do the "plan" I had quite like I had dreamed up in my head and it really crushed me. I originally wanted to stay on the lowest dose of the chemo...which I myself secretly went on a very low dose of only 40mg without consulting any Drs...and yes, I know this is a big no, no. But I was scared of this drug for some reason. I was tired of being tired and not feeling well so I did what I thought would work. Well honestly in the long run my plan probably would not have worked like I had hoped for. I would not have been "cured" by just doing juicing and healthier things and taking a ton of special supplements. I am not saying that I am still not going to Juice and live a healthier life but I need to come to the realization that unless God wants me to be fully healed someday...that this cancer is not going away and I thought I accepted that....but turns out I didn't and still fully don't because I do hate it so very, very much. I still have much hope that if God wants to heal me some day that He will and I trust fully in Him...but I am human and get moments of sorrow and pain and just want to give up. I know that if God doesn't heal me that is okay....whatever he uses me for on this Earth, I know will be a wonderful thing and I know he has a plan for everything. I just need to always remember that, but some days are harder then others.

So to keep you all up to speed on things....I am slowly fighting this depression and starting to get back to my old self again. Jon and I will be seeing a cancer therapist very soon and also are looking into other forms of therapy to help us both. This is not easy at all for us or for our relationship and marriage at times. This all can be a huge burden but no matter how hard it gets we will continue to make it through everything and won't quit. I started a new lower dose of my newest chemo yesterday so I am hoping and praying the side effects are kept more minimal this time. So with all this I am hoping things will start to turn and around and go up from here. I thank all my family and friends for continuing to support me in my very up and down moments. It means so much to me..

On another note...time is flying, I can't believe Christmas is over and now it's almost New Years. I hope everyone had a very blessed and Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New year filled with love, hope and joy. God bless all of you. Until next time...

Hate and cancer go together like peanut butter and jelly.

I have been feeling every sort of emotion possible lately....I am sad, angry, upset, depressed and most of all just super confused and frustrated. I am so sick and tired of all of this to be honest. I don't want to deal with this cancer anymore. I don't want any part of it. I legit HATE it so much. I am so sick of the ups and downs....all I want is STABILITY .....is that too much to ask for??? I hate all of the what ifs of everything with this....some days this is all way to much for me and I just need a break or a vacation or something so bad right now!! Sorry this is a bitching/venting blog today but I need to do it because I am way too overwhelmed and need to get some of these emotions out or i'm gonna go crazy!!I feel like I start feeling "better" and then something new happens with my body and mind or life and everything gets messed up again...so so frustrating....but then again that is life and I need to realize this and that this is now my "new" life but that doesn't mean I have to like this cancer at all....I will accept it but I in no way, shape or form like it. I wish this cancer would just shove itself up its own ass if it had one...lol....ugh soo over it!!! Hopefully my next blog will be a much more positive and happy blog...but for now it is what it is!! Until next time....

 

A new chapter in my journey...the best is yet to come...

So have been doing little things to prepare for my new lifestyle change. I am gradually adding all healthier whole raw and organic foods a little bit at a time and also now have most of the tools I need to start my new life. I am feeling so good about all of this. I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life and is a bit scary...obviously I was not a very healthy eater at all and I ate whatever I wanted....(and no this is not how or why I got cancer... although I'm sure my past lifestyle didn't help AT ALL but my cancer is also genetic and I've had the gene in my body since I was born.) This cancer was my wake up call and made me realize how precious our bodies are and how abusive I was being towards my body and also mind.

I have such a different mindset now though then I used to...I have been on every diet you can imagine since I was a teen(which is my first mistake) and never stuck to anything really before...

...but that was when I had a super negative mindset and just still didn't love myself enough to try and had absolutely no will power. It is amazing how different I am now...first, I don't look at this as a "diet"....this is a complete lifestyle change and also possibly for me a lifesaver change that I am making. Do I wish I would have done this sooner...absolutely...but I can't go back in time now and I can't change anything so this is where I am starting this new chapter in my journey. I am very ready for all of these changes in my life and I have such an amazing support system who are backing me up 150%. It is so wonderful to have such amazing people in my life and makes my choices that much easier. My next stop will be talking with my oncologist on Dec 5th- I am not sure what is going to happen at that appointment- I am hoping that I will be supported but everyone is entitled to their opinions but it all comes down to this being my life and my body and this I feel is the best chance for me to really live and overcome this cancer and to be the healthiest I can possibly be. After I focus on me and get myself together and start feeling better and better my next goal in my journey will be starting work again as soon as I am up and ready!!!

This was a wonderful weekend- Jon's best friend Matt came over Saturday and we all went to the shooting range together- I never shot any type of gun before so this was a first for me!!

 Matt had his 100 year old .22 rifle so it was easy and fun to shoot!! Another check off of my lifelist!! Then Sunday was my furry nephew Elway's 1st birthday party!! He is so cute and Indy had fun!!

 

Today I used my new juicer for the very first time! It was awesome and so fun/easy to use. I made my first juice concoction out of kale,spinach,sweet potato,carrot,apples,oranges and a little lemon- It was very delicious and I look forward to juicing every single day and coming up with new and healthy drinks!!! I also started my day out with a fresh banana/kefir/raw kimchi juice smoothie- (for all that don't know kimchi is fermented veggies and kefir is fermented milk drink that is made with kefir grains- it is very similar to yogurt but with 13 different good for your body bacteria's and probiotic organisms.)

I hope everyone has a very wonderful and happy Thanksgiving day coming up!!! Gobble,Gobble!!!I am so thankful for so many things- My wonderful and amazing Hubby,Family and Friends...having a roof over my head and food in my belly...and also having so so many of you supporting me and helping me through everything...I am so very thankful to have an amazing relationship with my Lord and Savior and for his continued grace and mercy and most of all love he has shown me on a daily basis and for helping me to be strong and become the person that I am today...Don't just count your blessings on Thanksgiving ...count them every day..God bless all of you....until next time my friends....

We continue to be so very very blessed...Thank You all!!

Again, I am overwhelmed with love and my heart just is swelling so big right now

.....I received the most beautiful gift today from many of you and it means the world to Jon and I!!! My sister worked so hard and came up with a "gift card bouquet" for Jon and I. It was such a sweet and thoughtful idea!! Thank ALL of you soooo very much for your kindness, generosity and love. Jon and I definitely feel the love and are so very very blessed by so many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million!!! You all are wonderful and again this means so much to Jon and I....also anyone who graciously gave us a gift card can you please personally (to my facebook or email kns2104@hotmail.com) send me your mailing address?? I would appreciate that!!! I thank God everyday for people like all of you because without the help of others Jon and I would not be as fortunate as we are!!! Until next time my friends....

 

 

 

 

Let me make myself clear.....

Let me make myself more clear...



 I have been getting some assumptions and judgments, since my last blog and I want to clear anything up so there is no more of that. I WILL be still doing a minimum dose of my current medication AND introducing holistic and healthier approaches as my new treatment regimen. Yes, My eventual goal ( which could be months or years from now, I do not know at this point since I am no there yet) is to eventually through prayer and strict diet change and lifestyle change be able to COMPLETELY be off of the treatments because I am hoping and praying that at that point I will be healthy enough to do that( Which I feel in my heart and soul that I will be) Although, I do no need to explain my life choices to anyone except my family and close friends...I do want to make this very clear so people are not just assuming without even privately asking me. Thank you to my amazing Hubby, family and friends for their loving 100% support during this time. I honestly could not do this without all of you standing behind me. I am so blessed to have you all with me and by my side during all of this. It only makes me stronger and able to fight this harder!! Too many people are stuck in this world that once you have an incurable cancer ...its over...your done....nope sorry...not in my case....not in my lifetime....incurable and terminal cancers have thousands of studies on people being fully cured and even healthier then before by doing the all natural approach for thousands and thousands of years. I feel my odds are MUCH better by going this route then continuing to live the life I am and essentially wasting away with all of these treatments that are causing so so many more issues and problems. Don't get me wrong...I thank God that we do have the treatments to help along the way and I am still so glad they are there and I cheer everyone on for their decisions because they are just that THERE decisions....we all have to stand up for ourselves at some point and really decide what is best for us. In my eyes doing what I am doing is called walking on faith. I have no idea how its going end up. could I be making a mistake..possibly. But I have one huge thing standing on my side who will never let me down and forsake me. That is God. When you have God in your life a whole new world is opened to you that you would have never considered without Him. Our God is good and faithful and He knows what is best for me and I am trusting that, so how then could I go wrong??  Again, I thank all of you for your openness, advice and reaching out to me. I just ask you do this in a respectful way if you would like to know more! Thank You all so much for your continued support! God Bless!!!!

Big decisions...

I feel like I am at war right now. I feel like my body, mind and most importantly God are telling me to do something and modern medicine and Dr's and even family to some extent are suggesting to do another. Do I listen to what the rest of the world thinks is right?? Or do I trust my body, mind and soul that what I am feeling is right? Some people are going to read this and say okay..."she is completely off of her rocker, insane." Some people will read this and probably think " I couldn't agree more." So here is my dilemma and BIG decisions that I need to make...and frankly I feel in my heart need to be made sooner rather then later....

Okay so lets put it out there...as if you don't already know...I am sick, I am very sick. I have a cancer that can not by modern medicine be cured. Yes, This treatment I am taking is prolonging life...it could even possibly be shrinking some tumors and regressing the cancer a bit for now, But is this really how I want to live the rest of my life? Do I want to be relying on these medicines that are essentially killing my healthy cells and my immune system just so I can say that I am living longer or that I am still here? Since starting these treatments, I always felt like these treatments are not right for me. If these were a known cure for me...it would be a COMPLETELY different story. However they are not and never will be. Why should I choose to live on these toxic medicines and feel like shit on a daily basis. Is that really living? Is that how I want my life to be and my body to feel? The answer for me is absolutely not. Some of you( particularly family) may be reading this thinking...."oh my gosh, she is giving up...she is already putting in the towel." This is absolutely not true. If anything, I am standing up for my body and my self and I am going to fight this cancer the way I feel God has intended me to. How am I supposed to fight this deadly cancer if I don't even feel close to well enough to do it?? I need to feel at my best and I need to have a strong immune system and body to fight this. I need all of the strength I can get. Modern medicine and statistics say that this cancer is incurable for me. I say anything is curable. If you have God first and foremost, inner strength and hope and love...then I feel anything is possible. " Through God, anything is possible." I have very very strong feelings to stop or drastically reduce the dose of this chemo in the next few weeks...then eventually I am going to stop ALL chemo and go to all natural remedies/vitamins and start the process of completely changing my eating habits/lifestyle and exercise daily .I started the treatments at full dose in the beginning because I felt I had no choice. This is what I am "supposed" to do. I was supposed to go on these treatments and when they shrunk a tumor or two was supposed to be jumping for joy. Wow, a tumor shrinks...that is great but like I said before...all this is doing is prolonging...this isn't healing me at all...this isn't making me better. I feel like it is a false hope. This is a hard decision. This is something I have been contemplating for a while but was just very quiet about it( except for with my husband) After very long consideration and research I am deciding that I am stopping all of these treatments and I am going to do what I feel God wants me to do. I am going to go the all natural route, I feel like God has been speaking to me clearer then ever and I feel like in my heart and soul this is the right decision. Is it scary?? Absolutely I am scared, I am human and I have no idea what can happen. Could things get worse? Yes they can, but I am walking on true faith right now. I feel that God will not let things get worse. I feel that this is the beginning to a beautiful healing journey for me. I have true faith that everything is going to be okay no matter what happens. I know this is all probably hard for my family to hear because it is very very scary and lets face it this is the real world...you hear so many things from media and some doctors and you begin to believe that. But most of all I need your support and I need you like I do to trust in God and trust in my decision. Besides, I know I have the best Dr. that there is who is looking after me...and that is Our Lord. <3

This is something I hate doing and I don't ask for help very often. Some of  you may feel the need to help and some of you may not. I don't want anyone to feel any pressure or anything but this is where we need a bit of financial help. In order to get all of the things I will need to start my new healing cancer journey, Jon and I have sat down and figured out it will be around 700-800 dollars to get me started on my new treatment regimen. Due to everything, obviously this is something Jon and I don't currently have, however I feel I need to start this sooner rather then later so I can get off my current treatment plan and begin to get these toxins out of my body. Jon and I are starting up a donation website to help us to get what we need to get started on my new journey. Any little bit of help is so very appreciated. Like I said, I really hate doing this but I really didn't know what else to do. Here is the link to our website below....

http://www.gofundme.com/56izrc

We can't thank you all enough for your continued love, and support...you all are keeping me alive and fighting!! Thank you so very much <3 I love every single one of you!! Please keep praying for Myself, Jon and my family...that we can find healing and have peace of mind while making these very hard decisions. Until next time my friends....